As the end of Aramark’s 19-year reign of tyranny over campus dining draws to a close, the University dining committee was finally able to disclose Aramark’s successor: the world’s largest restaurant franchise, the multi-million dollar McDonald’s.
“It was a tough decision, and all of the candidates put forward very worthy proposals,” said Committee Member and Trustee Bob Finkleburg. “But McDonald’s eventually stood out because of its commitment to standardized products and extreme cost-efficiency. We’ll be able to feed the entire student body with dollar menu burritos! This will go a long way in ensuring that the University achieves its goals of decreasing spending and building on its endowment.”
In the opinion of McDonald’s representative Mac Inchees, the University presents a perfect fit for his franchise.
“I think of it as a creative new take on college dining,” Inchees said. “It’s kind of like when we devised the Egg McMuffin, it was an unexpected combination that turned out to be genius. Wesleyan is like an Egg McMuffin, only with a hippie twist. We’re actually thinking of initiating a McVeggie Burger in honor of our arrival in Middletown.”
McDonald’s has also agreed to make some concessions in order to accommodate specific University requirements.
“Not only will Wesleyan students get a deal on Happy Meal toys, but instead of the traditional mini Barbie dolls and Hot Wheel cars, we are designing special edition transgender and lesbian Barbies, as well as hybrid race cars with ”Beat Bush“ bumper stickers on them,” Inchees said. “We are also making a commitment to using 50 percent less lard in all of our cafeteria cooking. Plus, for every ten Big Macs purchased, McDonald’s will donate a penny towards the welfare of our battery cage chickens.”
According to Finkleburg, McDonald’s will start moving into the new Usdan University Center – to be renamed the McWes Center – at the end of the semester. Plans include the creation of a drive-through service on Wyllys Ave. and the addition of McDonald’s signature golden arches on the roof of the former Fayweather gym.
Students and faculty expressed mixed reactions to news of the new dining service.
“I see the arrival of McDonald’s on campus as the perfect melding of old and new, traditional and up-and-coming,” said Professor of Art History Pallette Fresco. “The modernity of the McDonald’s style will present a striking and delightful contrast with the conventional architecture of College Row, challenging students to reassess their interpretations of beauty and creativity in a building.”
Chris Coe ’09 noted the universality of the McDonald’s appeal.
“I mean, there are McDonald’s restaurants in 120 countries worldwide,” Coe said. “It’s about time we joined the global movement towards food equality, and what better way to do it than with identically sized bread buns and standardized, pre-shaped meat patties?”
Others were not quite as enthusiastic.
“I can’t believe that we’re getting McDonald’s,” said Joy Rider ’08 “They are so wrong for this campus, I don’t know what the administration is thinking. Burger King would have been such a better choice.”
Employees and patrons of the First Harvest Café have vowed to go on hunger strike in protest of the new dining service.
“We expected a certain amount of opposition,” Nchees said, “but we’re prepared to shower protesters with lettuce leaves and fat-free dressing if that’s what it takes to prove our commitment to the needs of vegetarians and…what was that word? Oh yeah, vegans.”
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