Dude, did you see the rugby match this weekend, brah? Fuckin legit man! This one dude was running like 75 miles per hour, I’m talking cheetah shit bro, and got fucking clothes-lined by this one dude from Wesleyan out of nowhere! No joke bro, he had to have studied with an ancient Samurai master in Japan for the last fifteen years of his life, because this shit was unreal bro.
I swear to god he teleported man, and like…no dude don’t fuckin roll your eyes at me man! This dude was like David Blaine on whey protein! He went out there like T.S. Eliot and made it his own personal Waste Land, bro!
Oh so then this one dude was getting rucked, and I swear to God this one guy came out of nowhere and actually killed him. He died, man. Right there on the field. Surrealism bro, I’m talking lovechild of Dali and Magritte just splattered out there on the field like Gak. Lolz, Nickelodeon products, love that shit.
Anyhoozles, so at half it was like 98 to nothing Wesleyan cause we’re ill like that, but then the ref took away 75 points because the other team was freakin’ gay and he just felt bad for them. Like seriously, at halftime they were just sucking each other off because they had “forgot their water bottles” or some shit, and I was just like, well that’s cool, but don’t bring that shit over here, cause I’m not gay – I’m just bromosexual.
Like if a girl leaves and I’m really sad and some sweet chill bro comes over and starts massaging me, I might get a broner. Whatever, it’s not gay, man, no homo! And then when I start to cry he’ll give me a righteous brojob and then we’ll read some broetry, maybe like some Edgar Allen Bro or some shit.
Sorry, what was I talking about, I just ejaculated…broh right, so yea, after halftime when Wes went over some more sick plays and the other team had finished doing “The Circle of Life” (it’s when two dudes get on all fours and link themselves ass to ass with a double-donger while making out and playing the “Circle of Life”…I seriously hadn’t heard of it either bro), the second game started and the other team scored a tri cause there were some hot babes on the sideline and I was too busy flexing my balls in their face, so this one dude got by me, but like whatever, they were just cumming everywhere, I honestly thought I was in Deep Impact…did I mention I’m hung like Morgan Freeman and have an equally impressive voice?
Forrealz ladies…oh yea, so then Wesleyan got mad pissed and just started wreaking havoc, absolute utter chaos on the field, dudes. This one dude from Wes punched a hole through some guy’s stomach and pooped a swirlie turd inside of it.
That actually was the halftime show, I’m sorry, way out of chronological order here people. So like 15 minutes in, this one dude on the other team got hit so hard he actually started to cry. No joke, straight up water works bro.
What a fucking bitch!
I didn’t even cry when I exited the womb bro, I just nodded my head at the doctor, caught a football, and then saw every Dave Matthews Band concert on the east coast. What a sweet chill bro he is man, I bet you like 500 bucks that Zeus listens to DMB when he’s making lightening bolts and shit.
So the game keeps goin’, and the Wes bros just keep broin’, and we eventually end up winning like 8,003 to pi or some shit. The other team was all shipped to Indian Hill Cemetery, Old Methodist Rugby drank a keg per person, and then we banged every chick in the state of Mississippi.
Next game ladies, it’s going to be the same shit…did I mention the football team loses a lot? Nothin’ but love for ya bro’s…but seriously, you suck.
Come to the game ladies if you want to see us break some dude’s arm with our pecs because we lift constantly and will protect you as strong alpha men.
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