The courageous young participants of the Chalking Revolution have now succeeded in convincing President Bush to authorize immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq, as well as causing the World Bank to selflessly allocate 80 percent of its funds to the shittiest parts of Africa, sources from the Chalking Revolution reported Monday from their Underground Headquarters located within the Butt tunnels.
“These fearless chalking warriors have saved us, after five years of sending the nation’s reserves of recovering crack babies and Appalachian farm boys overseas,” said Professor Bryce Bizzkit, who had wept with pathos earlier that morning after stepping over one chalked message that read “Hey Wesleyan, What Are The Hermeneutical Implications Of Your Gendering If I Don’t Have The Energy To Finish This Sentence,” and another one which read “Fuck Shane Lynch.” “They have acted with incredible spunk and devotion to the greater good. The Chalking Revolters sacrificed time they could have spent getting blazed and senselessly rambling with the CSS major living in their hall.”
“If only the other mainstream fuckasses on campus could be as noble and selfless as the Chalkers!” Bizzkit added.
Those involved with the Chalking Revolution, now 7.5 people strong, characterize the movement as ordinary ex-members of Eclectic seeking to change the universe in extraordinary ways. According to Assistant Miscommunication Instigator Fidel Castro, the movement survived constant military pressure from Public Safety while hiding in the hills of Foss seeking support from the long-suffering peasantry of Middletown to clothe and feed them.
“One morning the citizens woke up dismayed; under the cover of night, while the people slept, the ghosts of the past had conspired and seized the citizenry by its hands, its feet, and its neck,” Castro said, injecting his arm with lithium while his Parkinson-induced tremors caused his teeth to bite off sections of his tongue. “No; it was no nightmare; it was a sad and terrible reality: a man named Fulgencio Batista had just perpetrated the appalling crime that no one had expected.”
“We were put through many painful, blood-soaked days of open guerilla warfare to get to this point,” said Group Leader-Although-Officially-The-Group-Does-Not-Believe-In-Hierarchal-Power-Structures Calimari Johnson, who is currently in negotiations to publish the group’s revolutionary bullshit in the Wesleyan University Press. “Now students all over the world can drop out of those fucking facebook groups about saving Sudan, because guess what bitches, it’s been done. Also, now our troops can invade North Korea.”
White House intern Jamie Lynn Spears said that even scathing criticism from former aides and a 27 percent approval rating never could have convinced the president to withdraw troops from Iraq the way that the Revolting Chalkers did.
“After he heard that Wesleyan students were drawing stick figures on the sidewalk and writing ‘Boy? Girl’ beneath such illustrations, the president stared bug-eyed into space and hoarsely whispered ‘The horror! The horror!’” Spears said. “The determined actions of the 7.5 individuals of the Chalking Revolution have touched the president’s core in a way that no pussy Democrat could ever do by writing whiny editorials in the Times.”
The day before President Bush and the World Bank made their respective announcements, the Chalking Rebels intensified their revolutionary efforts, drawing penises on the steps of Olin, causing some to believe this was the definitive action which convinced Bush and the World Bank to stop being corrupt motherfuckers.
Castro’s roommate and revolutionary associate, Ernesto Guevara de la Serna, had no comment on the penis strategy, and merely lay on the ground while flies buzzed around the bloody bullet wounds in his head.
“The penises were a definite breakpoint,” said World Bank president Moe Money Moe Problems in a press release. “In our understanding of the situation, as students left Olin holding eager discussions on the neo-structuralism of male systems of power, they were suddenly confronted with pictures of huge, hairy cocks everywhere they looked. Understandably, it caused them to realize that these components of neo-structuralism are in fact dependent on pre-objectivist sentiments of feminity! Here at the World Bank, it caused us to realize we should dump another $10 billion into Africa for crazed dictators to wildly spend, but only those dictators produced by British colonialism. These Chalking Rebels are simply acting for the greater good of the whole wide universe, and we realized we must do the same.”
Faculty, staff, students, White House aides, World Bank members and Kofi Annan will gather Friday at the Chalking Revolution Underground Headquarters located within my Butt tunnels, in order to honor the young revolutionaries with the Nobel Peace Prize, traditionally awarded to students who, through the act of chalking, convince the United States to send peace missions to really fucked up countries that might potentially harbor hidden oil reserves.
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