Classified documents recently uncovered by The Argus detailing the presidential search process show that Anna Nicole Smith, the recently deceased yet always voluptuous cultural phenomenon, not presidential-appointee Michael Roth, was the original favorite to become the University’s 16th president.
“Smith’s qualifications are impeccable,” said one internal memo, dated Dec. 1. “Her ability to woo old, rich white men and then rob them blind is exactly what we look for in a top administrator. With her on board, there is no telling how high the endowment could climb.”
Smith, who was nominated by several current University students, apparently as a prank, unexpectedly won over the vast majority of the search committee. Her disarming honesty, innovative ideas, and huge tatas made a major impact on the members. The documents discovered also included the transcripts of several early interviews.
“What’s a student of color?” Smith asked in response to a question on campus climate. “Do they, like, study the rainbow?”
“We’ve found someone here who could take Wesleyan in a new direction, and give us the national recognition we’ve all been craving,” reads another memo, dated Nov. 16. “This Roth guy doesn’t hold a candle to Anna and her beautiful, reality-TV anointed, golden locks.”
The documents, including memos, e-mails, and legal documents, also describe the way Smith’s untimely death severely disrupted the search process, driving a wedge between committee members, the issue becoming further complicated when several of them filed paternity claims.
“As long as we get the money, we can count this as a victory,” reads an e-mail sent to trustees on Feb. 20. “I suppose we can settle for this Roth guy now.”
Three members of the search committee now claim to be the biological father of Smith’s infant daughter, Daniellynn. DNA tests have yet to confirm any of the claims.
“Considering the preliminary interview that I conducted with Anna last year, I feel confident that I am the child’s father,” said Trustee Daniel Lynn ’73 in a statement.
In the fall, Smith made two official visits to campus. During her Nov. 10 visit, Smith apparently lost her way and ended up at in Alpha Delt Dungeons and Dragons game. There, she apparently played the part of “bar wench” while numerous society members ogled her desperately before putting on their robe and wizard hats and then casting Level 8 penis of the infinite.
University officials disputed claims that Smith was ever a serious candidate.
“Big gazoogas don’t make you a legitimate candidate to be president of this institution,” said Mike Jones, director of University Words and Messages. “It takes integrity, vision, and dynamism to be the leader of Wesleyan. Or so we say.”
While Roth has been welcomed with enthusiasm by the community, some are not ready to forget how close the University came to having Smith at its top post.
“I’ll never forget her,” said Dylan Stewart, one of the Beta brothers who originally nominated Smith for the position. “Knowing that she was so close really reaffirms my faith in democracy.
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