Ambiguous headlines

Middletown, CT-

Earlier this week, at the exclusive New England liberal arts college Wesleyan University, diversity was promoted, activism encouraged, and awareness raised by a series of highly informative, concisely written headlines in the student newspaper.

RAISED DIVERSITY: PROMOTE

“The levels of awareness at this school have reached an all time high,” said a professor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “A recent study conducted jointly by the Registrar’s Office and State Liquor Board has indicated that as 73% of the Wesleyan University student body is, in fact, aware. Admittedly, we are hoping to reach 100% awareness, but there seems to be a stubborn [demographic] of students that simply refuses to be aware… of…[the issues].”

The student body is optimistic that the goal of total awareness can be achieved, however, and many cite the school paper as an excellent tool for achieving the goals of awareness-raising and diversity promoting, or, conversely, raising diversity and promoting awareness. Also, activism.

AWARENESS EXPLORED: DIVERSE

“Man, after I read that headline in the last issue, ‘Diversity Awareness Explored in Promotional Forum,’ I was just blown away,” remarked an undergraduate, also speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, my awareness was just through the roof. That headline really conveyed a tremendous amount of [diversity] to me.”

When questioned further, however, the student admitted that the headline, though ‘mind-blowing’ in its awareness-raising, could have gone the extra mile. “See, I don’t want to knock it, because this particular headline really did diversely promote awareness diversity, but it really didn’t focus on the activism. I mean, what about the activism of diversity promotion? I feel like those students were bummed they didn’t get included in that headline.” The student paused and nodded, adding, “Diversification.”

ACTIVISM IN DIVERSIFIED AWARENESS PROMOTION: HEURISTIC

Other students, however, were not so supportive of the headlines’ promotions of awareness promotions and diverse pronouncements of achieving awareness goals. “I mean, read this one here, ‘Diversity Achieved through Awareness Promotion, Activism.’ I am sorry man, but that is barely a complete thought, much less a fully predicated sentence. What in the hell are they talking about?” The student refused to give a name, instead opting to drain and crush a can of PBR with a single blunt thrust, a process which left a clear imprint of a red circle on his forehead. He then wandered off and fell asleep under a tree on Foss Hill.

Clearly, achievement of diversity had occurred. And was raised: aware(ness/ing).