Dear Wesleyan,
What happened? Once upon a time your halls rung with laughter, fun dominated our every interaction. There was love in the air, love and the odd condom wrapper. But now the smiles have dried up, and the tears started flowing. Where have you gone, ol’ Wes, for it seems we never knew ye. Now we see full libraries on Friday evenings, PiCafe is the new hangout spot, a party a night limit has been imposed, and the tear gas comes no longer. What happened to the creepy WesScam guy? What of that supreme servant of the greater public, WesPartyGuy? How lightly do the names trip of hitherto sodden lips: Hotchkiss, 84 High, 115 Cross, 88 Home, 186 Lincoln, so many others. Where have they gone, those institutions of our halcyon days?
Drop by drop, one by one, those venerable establishments have disappeared forever from our blighted lives, their ever-ready supply of fun and beer running dry. Who among us remembers the great class of ’05? The answer is no one: we were too drunk. What then of those roguish scamps from Hotchkiss, source of more blackouts and sex than any other spot at Wesleyan? What happened then to the class of ’07? Once, we were destined for greatness, now greatness threatens to pass us by.
In this, our final semester, we have never felt more cut off from you Wesleyan. What happened to the fun? When did you stop laughing, Wes? When did we become so uptight, when did we lose our humor? When did we lose those backyard parties? When did we stop gathering together? Where have all the parties gone? It is time, dear Wesleyan, to tighten up our girdles, dry off our loins, and stride into the arena, one last time to fight.
To the class of ’07: It is time to stand up, time to be counted on. Let us remember that our houses are but given to us to serve the greater community; there is a duty that must be done. Let then this spring be a warm one, warm and beer-filled like never before. Let them in future years look back at us and say, ‘Never in human history has so much been partied by so few.’ To our younger brethren: Come. Walk out of those dorm rooms, walk up the hill from hi-rise, we will build it if you will come.
Let one last time our courage be gathered, one last time our sinews strained, one last time our energies spent, one last time our livers skewed. And we shall stand by our word, dear Wesleyan. The four-day weekend once more shall live, once more the glory of our sophomore year regained. We, the writers of this piece, promise to return from self-imposed hibernation, return in a glorious burst of glory. We endeavor not to remember anything till the 27th of May. We endeavor to forget commencement (not the actual event, just that it’s happening. Actually scratch that. We forget the event). Come join us, and let this, our alma mater, once more be a happy place.
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