As I sat in Olin on a Tuesday night, a female student passed by me wearing a t-shirt that said “Queers do it better,” and that reminded me of reasons why Wesleyan University discriminates against the heterosexual male.
I feel as though the university discriminates against heterosexual males, first with the course selections, and then with various events on campus. If there are Feminist Studies majors and Queer Studies majors, why can’t there be a Male Studies major. But I know it is not a lack of curriculum, because we do live in a male dominated world. I could imagine what I would want the curriculum based on, 1/3 beer, 1/3 sports and 1/3 not getting shit done and hooking up with chicks, and many seminars about Tucker Max. Also we could ponder the question on why “periods” are always thought to occur only to woman, because I know that I go through periods of where I’ll do anything to get laid. And for those who are not familiar with Tucker Max, he is a Duke Law School grad, with an online blog that the New York Times says is “highly entertaining and thoroughly reprehensible.” One of his famed stories is about his first time he tried butt sex. Tucker had his friend videotape himself and his female friend having butt sex, and they all end up vomiting on each other when the woman pooped on his dick. One of my favorite quotes from the story comes from when he brought the woman to dinner before the butt sex, “Two bottles of $110 merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra love platter—it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jamie in the butt, I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in the way.”
Another reason Wesleyan discriminates against the heterosexual male is that there are advertisements for the Gay Café, but no such advertisements for a heterosexual cafe, which puts the heterosexual male at a disadvantage. Because I assume the gay community goes there for more reasons than just friendship and wholesome conversation. In being a heterosexual male we are forced to interact with woman at dark parties, where we sometimes tend to be so intoxicated that the first words that come out of our mouths are “You have the nicest boobs I have ever seen,” which leads us to get slapped across the face and going back to our rooms alone to jerk ourselves off. But if there were a heterosexual cafe with people of a common goal, we males could share out intellectual side, like our thoughts on the man code, such as rule #10: “Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.”
As to my initial anger with the t-shirt, I believe that it is only one of the many hypocrisies of what we call Wesleyan. If I choose to wear a shirt that said “Heterosexuals do it better,” there would be an outcry of hatred towards me and my shirt would be deemed inappropriate, and I’d have ten thousand of the million gay and lesbian clubs on campus writing Wespeaks on how my shirt is inappropriate. And if I started a heterosexual cafe, people would protest saying that it is discriminating.
Oh, and make sure you send me the email for the students of non-color dinner.
The End.
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