This weekend I went to Alfredo’s Riverside Restaurant, an experience that was validated only by the hilarity of atrocious dining. It was truly one of the worst meals I have had in years.
To begin with, Alfredo’s is only accessible via a death defying left hand turn off Route 9 across multiple lanes of high speed traffic: an omen of things to come. Although highly visible from the highway, the building is a poorly lit, dilapidated hovel that, upon first glance, seems to be a bar and not a restaurant. The walls are adorned with off-white Christmas lights, pictures of natural landscapes (think Norm’s stamp design in Fargo), and water-stained wood paneling. Though only a few other tables were occupied, there were several little girls putting quarters in the jukebox and dancing to too-loud classics such as “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” and “We Will Rock You.”
When we sat down, my date politely and embarrassedly asked for a new water glass, as hers had the distinct impression of two lips with pink lipstick. I asked if the tortellini was cheese stuffed, and when the waitress returned from the kitchen to answer my query she informed me they were out of tortellini. They were also out of spinach noodles. Any moderately informed diner, at this point, could dismiss the menu’s claim of home made fare. Later, I also dismissed their claim that the shrimp alfredo won fourth place in Bon Appétit Magazine.
The food was first, overpriced. Most pasta dishes range from 12 to 15 dollars and, get this, dinners come with a side of broccoli and French fries (more on the fries later). We were served delicious bread; I recognized the taste from those frozen loaves of Pillsbury that come in tubes and pop when you open them. I started with the largest sized antipasto they offered, which contained two lonely olives and a plethora of lettuce and pre-sliced deli meats and cheeses of absurdly low quality.
My dish, ziti with marinara and sausage, was probably worse than what I have had at MoCon or the Campus Center. The pasta was absurdly bland and swam in an excess of sauce, which was more of a tomato sauce than marinara and tasted as if neither oregano nor basil had graced it with their presence. The sausage might have been made with ground beef. The gnocchi was probably frozen given its rubbery texture and heavy feel in my stomach. While alfredo sauce should be thick and cheesy, the sauce on the shrimp alfredo was watery, drab, and flavorless. The sauce had a milk-like consistency, probably because it was mostly milk anyway, and tasted only like the parmesan cheese I piled on top. I can say, however, there was more than enough food heaped onto all of the dishes, though given its nature, this may actually serve to diminish rather than improve the dining experience.
Throughout the meal I experienced a strange combination of physical fullness and marked dissatisfaction with the meal. I wanted to something else not because I was hungry, but because I was so utterly disappointed with what I was eating.
There were a few positive aspects, however, including the excellent service. The waitress was very friendly, very prompt, and took very good care of us throughout the meal. The fries were also surprisingly delicious. Steak cut and wet with hot oil sparkling in the faulty light, the fries were like wet halos begging to be salted and devoured while still sizzling. Next time I think I’ll just get a few orders of fries – it seems much more appropriate given the background music.
Bottom line: don’t eat here.
PRICE RANGE: 12-15 dollars for dinner entrees, 8-10 dollars for sandwiches.
RESERVATIONS: Probably not necessary.
RATING: One out of five stars.
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