In recent years, both working with the Argus and refusing to read it on various grounds, it has come to my attention that an increasing number of undergraduates here at Wesleyan seem to possess some misunderstandings as to the writing of a proper Wespeak. I now present an abridged list of pointers for writing an attention grabbing and thought provoking Wespeak.
1. Start off with a vaguely appropriate title that may or may not have anything to do with your Wespeak. If at all possible simply rehash a previously published Wespeak, because original thought is not something that should show up in a media.
2. Give your real name, so that way other students can spend countless hours stalking you on facebook, learning your habits, and will eventually accost you at a party for your viewpoint.
3. USE CAPS FOR RANDOM SENTENCES. After all, without caps, no one will know that you have something important to say.
4. Make at least three common syntactical errors, and at least misspell one commonly used word. Copy editors love reading your mistakes at 3am on Monday, trust me.
5. The use of “fuck” should be excessive, or at least several sub-vulgarities. After all, how can people take you seriously unless you prove how adult you are by dropping the F-bomb. Feel free to follow this up with derogatory statements about individuals you are sure will read your Wespeak.
6. Misuse, or completely make up a word. Common victims include “privilege,” “hegemony,” and “fetish.” When in doubt, add an “izationalism.” It will definitely show readers of the Argus just how well you spend your college tuition.
7. Add quotes around “things” you want people to understand as somehow different from the normal perceptions of that word. Words like “pretentious” and “history” take on a whole new meaning when you add quotation marks.
8. Throw in an unrelated issue.
9. Add a personal anecdote that has little or nothing to do with the topic at hand.
10. Misdirect your anger, and offend a visible and vocal element of the campus. The easiest way to stir up discussion is to tell someone that you have an issue with their sex, gender, perceived race and social class, etc.
11. End your Wespeak with a conclusion that sounds exactly like the introduction, just like your seventh grade English teacher told you to.
There you have it, eleven simple steps for writing an amazingly eye-catching and thought provoking Wespeak.
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