Hello Wesleyan University,
I fucking hate you ass bitches. Our funnel was stolen from our house. Yes. Fucking stolen. We are angry. You disrespected, us, our friends (who have spent chilly Saturday nights funneling Natty Light, Bacardi, Mojitos, and Zinfandel from that funnel), and you disrespected our house. You do not steal anyone’s funnel. Or your ass will get served. And when a fucking funnel gets stolen, what the fuck are you gonna do? You gotta step up.
FYI…Not everyone that comes to this institution is loaded, if you will, rich as fuck (as most of you are)…what the fuck are you going to do. YOU GOTTA STEP UP. So, if you take a funnel from a group of really funny and good looking ladies, they are not going to call daddy or mommy and ask them for another one. They will not buy us another funnel. They will probably scream at us for the funnel getting stolen.
So…I am going to say the following. I hate you all. I hope you all go to hell, if there is a hell.
No. Seriously. Whoever took our funnel, please give it back. Just set it on our back porch, right where it was when you found it. We’ll even funnel a few mojitos with you.
Love,
56 Fountain
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