In the most serious collegiate case of animal excretion since the 1986 epidemic of kidney armadillos at Yale, Wesleyan students have developed a severe case of bat-filled diarrhea. The Office of Public Health advises students not to be alarmed by the development, offering tips for understanding and preventing Gastrobatpoopinitis.
The first symptom, of course, is high-pitched squeaks coming from the rectal area. This is merely echo location: do not be alarmed. Following this, be prepared for roughly 24-48 hours of vomiting, diarrhea, and need to fight off a drove of bats as they fly out of your anus. Once the bats have been evacuated, stick to bland foods and try to avoid fruits or mice, as relapse is possible. And always remember Gastrobatpoopinitis is transmitted chiropteral-orally, so wash bats for as long as the first three stanzas of “Stairway to Heaven” or, for a more timely approach, the first 16 bars of the “Batman” theme.
Note: Chiropteral is the order bats are part of. Biology, bitches.
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