Katey Rich has been asking to be a WesCeleb for years now. Every time she asked I reminded her that the Argus does not believe in nepotism, and she would usually respond by either calling me gay or breaking my coffeemaker. Finally, when my caffeine jitters got bad enough, I agreed to interview her, but not without asking the tough questions.
KATEY RICH: So how are you spending your last few months at Wesleyan?
KATEY RICH: Mostly unintentionally making fun of my housemates who are writing theses. They keep getting mad at me every time I leave to sit on Foss Hill or watch “America’s Next Top Model.”
KR: By making fun of your housemates are you expressing your disrespect for academia? Do you feel that you’re biting the hand that feeds you?
KR: Whatever, I kind of feel done with Wesleyan. I’ve just got to hand in a little more bullshit and then I’m sunbathing for the next two months.
KR: Does that mean you support skin cancer?
KR: It means I’m just trying to look a little better than your pasty ass. Seriously, would it kill you to apply some self-tanner?
KR: I don’t have time because I’m too busy doing important work, like working at the Argus. How’s being a writer for a fourth-tier pop culture blog, by the way?
KR: For the record, Totes Umbrellas has fans ranging from a 30-year old with a MySpace account to a random 14-year old in Ohio. We span generations and states with our clever commentary and up-to-date gossip.
KR: You mean making fun of 17-year old models by posting freeze frames of them chewing is insightful?
KR: I give the people what they want, which is more than I can say for the fashion choices you’ve been making lately.
KR: For your information, flowy skirts are still in style, douchebag. Unlike the flip-flops you’ve been wearing since 8th grade.
KR: They only cost $3.50 and don’t necessitate conformity! Shut up!
KR: Let’s get down to the really important stuff. I’ve noticed that you’ve lost a lot of weight recently and the rumors are flying. What is it, tummy tucks? Gastric bypass? Botox?
KR: First of all, Botox is for wrinkles, dumbass. Second, it’s none of your business. I may be famous, fabulous, and beloved by my many fans, but my personal life is my own.
KR: Holy Lord you’re deluded. You’re also, according to my sources, a bigot. Is it true that you have stated that you not only hated “Crash,” but you have called your friends “fags” unironically?
KR: First of all, “Crash” was a mawkish piece of liberal Hollywood feel-good garbage. As a message film it was effective, but as cinema it was muddled, unrealistic, and too self-serious to be worth watching. By representing Los Angeles as a segregated wasteland, Haggis is attempting to follow in the tradition of film noir but actually only succeeds in retreading his style in “Traffic” and making a film about race issues we all knew about already. Second of all, being offended by things I say is gay.
KR: Katey, are you drunk?
KR: Yes, but only because you gave me free beer.
KR: You’ve wanted to be a Wesceleb for years and you show up drunk?
KR: What can I say? After all this waiting, I’ve finally come to hate the Argus like everyone else does.
Leave a Reply