I’m writing this “Wespeak” in a towel, freshly emerged from the seminal shaving experience of my life, and fully prepared to spread the gospel… the gospel of the new Gillette Fusion razor.
I’ll start by addressing some obvious questions.
Q: “Hey, Seth. What’s so great about the Gillette Fusion razor?”
A: Two words, Poindexter: “Five. Blades.” That’s right. In a research and development move that actually may have been inspired by an article in the Onion, Gillette has now released a five-blade razor. Why five? Because four blades is for pussies. Next question.
Q: “Why does this matter to me?”
A: If you’re asking that, you’re obviously not a walking testosterone bomb like me, so maybe it doesn’t. When I was in third grade, puberty pounced on me like a lioness on a sick gazelle, and its grasp has never loosened. I know that’s not everyone. Look, if you’re one of those people who takes a month to grow four hairs off the end of your chin, great. I hope you get a trophy. But for anyone who knows what it’s like to go out to a party freshly shaven, kiss someone, and see hir run away with a face full of bloody holes, you’d better read on. Next question.
Q: “What’s so good about a five-blade razor?”
A: It distributes pressure more evenly along the blades, making you less likely to cut yourself, while also cutting closer to the pore-line. Also, it looks totally badass. Seriously. More orange than ever. Any other challenges to Fusion’s mighty mightiness?
Q: “Does it work?”
A: I don’t know. How ’bout you rub my face and find out? Is this not the smoothest, classiest, baby’s-assiest face you’ve ever touched? Feel how velvety and unsandpaperlike my neck is? I rest my case.
The best thing about the new Gillette Fusion might not even be the shave itself.
It’s the whole experience. A new commercial showed up on TV last week:
(graphic of a spinning molecule)
Voice: The time has come.
(graphic of a desert landscape)
Voice: The evolution complete.
(graphic of a shiny metal laboratory, where, obviously, technology happens)
Voice: The future is about to begin
(fade to black. Gillette Fusion logo appears above the words “Coming: 02.05.2006.”)
Take that in for a second. It’s ok, I’ll wait.
That right there is the most accurate commercial in advertising history. The molecule? The desert? The lab? They’re all inside my face right now, and they’re telling me how soft it is.
Yes, the ad says it won’t be out until February 5th, even though I got my Gillette Fusion for $9.99 at Target on Jan. 30. But don’t piss your pants, you simp.
That just means it’s from the future. A future where three blades are fusioned with two other blades to make them awesome.
The future has begun. Its power is in my face. Join the smoothness revolution.
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