Whoah, J/K! It would have been awesome if everyone’s favorite alcoholic Lisa (whose last name, D’Amato, was revealed by Wikipedia! Burn!) were writing for the Argus. Instead, you just have me. And you’ll never know who I am!! The power of the media is great!!!
Really, though, I just got back from senior cocktails and really should not be allowed to write or lay out for the Argus. So I’m going to let R. Kelly, master of the English language and singer of my soul, take over from here. No, this is not filler. Shut up. If you make fun of me I will libel your ass to the ground. You won’t even GO to the next senior cocktails. Yeah, that’s right. I have power. Believe me.
And now, without further ado.
7 o’clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me
I’m stretching and yawning in a bed that don’t belong to me
Then a voice yells “good morning darling” from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me and to my surprise she isn’t you
Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face like “what have I done”?
How could I be so stupid to have been laid in to the morning sun
Must have lost the track of time, oh what was on my mind?
From the club went to her home, didn’t plan to stay that long
Here I am quickly trying to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys trying to get on up out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of me
Said “you can’t go this way”
Looked at her like she was crazy
Said “woman move out my way”
I Said “I got a wife at home”
She said “please don’t go out there”
“Lady I’ve got to get home”
She said her husband was coming from the stairs
“?? quiet, hurry up and get in the closet”
She said “don’t you make a sound or some ____ is going down
I Said ”why don’t I just go out the window“
”yes, except for one thing, we’re on the 5th floor“
Think, think… ”quick put me in the closet“
And now I’m in this darkest closet trying to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass out this house
And he walks in and yells ”I’m home“
She says ”honey I’m in the room“
He walks in there with a smile on his face saying ”honey I’ve been missing you“
She hops all over him and says ”I’ve cooked and ran your bathwater“
I’m telling you now this girl is so good she deserves an Oscar
The girl’s in the bed he starts snatching her clothes off
I’m in the closet like man, what the f_ck is going on?
You’re not going to believe it but things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he acted I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said ”there’s a mystery going on and I’m going to solve it“
And I’m like ”God please don’t let this man open his closet“
He walks in the bathroom and looks behind the door
She says ”baby come back to bed“
He says ”say no more“
He pulls back the shower curtain while she’s biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room. Right now I’m sweating like hell
Checks under the bed (bed)
then under the dresser (dresser)
He looks at the closet (closet)
I pull out my berretta (berretta)
He walks up to the closet (closet)
He’s close up to the closet (closet)
Now he’s at the closet (closet)
Now he’s opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)
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