The University’s old click-based system for class registration will be phased out next semester in favor of a newer, more efficient method based on physical violence.
Due to increasing levels of competition over courses in departments such as English, Government, and Psychology, the advisory committee has decided that the fairest way to determine who really belongs in these classes is a fight to the death.
“This will solve all of our problems,” said Dean of Students Dean Thomas, happily. “Not only will the new method determine the more worthy candidate for a class—we won’t have to worry about the complaints of the less worthy candidate. He’ll be dead!”
According to Thomas, in the new system, students interested in a class that has acquired more than 150 percent of seats available during the browsing period will be asked to file into separate lines atop Foss Hill. They will then be arranged according to height, weight, and perceived fighting capabilities upon first glance.
In each line, students will duel the individual either behind or in front of him, depending on which one looks scarier.
“Remember with the click system, how a lot of kids would develop strategies like pulling up lots of different windows at once, clicking before the proctor announced it was time, or even showing up to multiple click sessions?” said Neville Longbottom ’07. “Well, I’ve heard talk of students planning to take steroids the night before registration, signing up for martial arts classes weeks in advance, and even importing special face masks and mouth guards from overseas!”
Longbottom said he was concerned that he might never see some of his friends again, and expressed some doubts as to whether gambling one’s life over a course is a worthy investment.
However, for student athletes like Cedric Diggory ’08 the new registration system elicited enthusiastic responses.
“I positively can’t WAIT till April,” said Diggory. “I’ll be sure to get into every class I want! I’m going to crush the living shit out of every WestCo, Hewitt, and Nicolson kid I duel! Even though I’m an astronomy major and I’ve never been shut out of a class anyway.”
The new registration method is to begin April 2006.
Although the University had announced that the old click-based system for class registration would be phased out by an algorithm-based process designed by ITS earlier this year, the Committee for Eliminating Bullshit Ideas determined that this would ultimately trigger further conflicts and competition between students.
“Why have metaphorical competition when you can have the real deal?” asked Professor Theodore Grubbly-Plank, head of the Environmental Studies Department and a big supporter of the plan. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, ruff ruff.”
“Frankly, we just didn’t want to listen to any more idiots complaining that their were glitches in the click system, that upperclassmen should have priority over underclassmen, that it was too hard to obtain classes during drop-add,” he said.
After a brief poll was taken in each class year, it seems as though the new registration method will receive much higher ratings than the click system. Clearly, students are ready to sacrifice anything for learning…even if it costs them their life…in which case they won’t be able to learn anymore.
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