A Wespeak was written last week concerning the lack of gravitas in Argus columns. The writer of the Wespeak asserted that Wesleyan columns are snide and cutesy, rife with “jazzy references” and “ironic, self-deprecating comments,” in place of good ol’ passionate polemics. More of the Wespeaker’s words: “In general, I think students will read a column if the columnist writes passionately and articulately and has a real opinion, a unique voice, and a unique angel (sic) on an issue of substance […] In the future I hope the Argus columnists […] realize their responsibility isn’t to entertain us, but to be an important critical voice on campus.”
Now I hardly think I qualify as a column. The words that I write are squeezed in to the shape of a column. But that is probably coincidental. I do qualify, however, as snide and cutesy so I think I better take the Wespeak words to heart. Also, my mommy thinks I’m an angel, and a unique one at that [my middle name is Engel (German for angel)].
As a nod to what the Argus is really all about, I will inject well-articulated passion and substantive statements into my piece. The snide and cutesy remarks will remain as well, so I can keep my personal voice and integrity as a writer, but they will just be window dressing for the very serious puppy in the window.
My “Film Serious” column will thus be much more serious, touching on current events and Wesleyan-relevant events simultaneously, gliding from micro to macro with poignancy to spare. I will also represent views that span the political spectrum, from ultra-liberal to mega-conservative to those more interested in food, i.e. fatties. I will put a star next to every grand point I make and a corresponding rigorously fact-checked footnote so we can all be on the same page. In light of recent events, this week’s edition of Film Serious:
FRIDAY (10/21): WEDDING CRASHERS 8 p.m.
From the director of “Shanghai Knights,” here comes another knee slapper. “Wedding Crashers” is more hit or miss than Lee Harvey Oswald from the book depository.* But when it hits, it hits real hilarious. Like a magic bullet. Owen Wilson stars along with Vince Vaughn, and this duo still has some dynamism left in them. Vince is tall and manly, like how you used to think of your father, and Owen still has that nose that looks it was aborted late in the first trimester. Harriet Miers would not have let his nose happen. She would have been against this movie. See “Wedding Crashers” in protest of her Supreme Court nomination.*
SATURDAY (10/22): FOOTLIGHT PARADE 8 p.m. FREE
Busby Berkley, the madman of the musicals, cooks up this paella dish* of delight featuring James Cagney, the iconic tough-talking gangster man of “Public Enemy,” two-stepping and carrying a tune. When there is all this underwater sexiness and midgets, who cares about the Great Depression? Well, we should all care about the Great Depression!* It was depressing. But it was Great too! Come see why. (The film also has sauce-saturated dialogue. In 1934, a Production Code was adopted that placed a definitive sauce limit on film content. “Footlight Parade” (1933) is pre-Code. Saucy!)*
WEDNESDAY (10/26): MY SUMMER OF LOVE 8 p.m.
“My Summer of Love” (a.k.a. “My Bummer of Not Love”) is for people who like indie films. And feelings. The tender story of two females who find friendship and love is so precious, so daintily quirky yet real, it just makes you want to walk barefoot in a meadow whilst staring up at an azure sky. Or go out and get same-sex married.* There is a distinct possibility that I am neither sensitive nor intelligent, and am impervious to nuance and emotion, but I also just might be right. Take your chances.
THURSDAY (10/27): MICROCOSMOS. 8 p.m. FREE
Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. All bugs do it.* You know what they also do? They go to war. And they do it for silly, selfish reasons. Just like people. Good thing we have “Microcosmos” as surveillance footage so we know what those buggers are up to. Watch them live, watch them battle, and watch them love.*
*I am likening the effectiveness of Wedding Crasher’s gags to Lee Harvey Oswald’s effectiveness as a marksman. Some people think he was not the one who killed JFK.
*Harriet Miers is George Bush’s most recent nomination for the Supreme Court. She is also a chick who is against abortion. I think she just needs to get laid.
*“Paella” is a cross-cultural reference. It is a very popular, and filling, dish in the Valencia region of Spain
*I am being farcical. The Great Depression was actually quite tragic.
*The Production Code of 1934 was censorship. Take note: censorship is bad. Joseph Lieberman, who wants to censor media content, is a prude. He is the most uptight Jew since Jesus. And Jesus at least drank a little bit.
*You want to get married, gays? Go to Spain and be a Spaniard and eat paella off your naked same-sex lover. No, gay marriage did not kill the dinosaurs. Because dinosaurs never existed. Evolution is a peach perfume that gays wear. Dinosaur fossils were planted by the gays to test our faith.
*Heterosexually.
*The biomass of insects is significantly greater than that of every other species combined. Why has this threat gone unchecked? We must fear the Thoraxis of Evil! Extend the Patriot Act beneath the Earth’s surface!
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