Capitol Hill was abuzz Friday after Vice President Dick Cheney announced his immediate resignation from the United States government. Cheney is now in the process of taking up a post in the Wesleyan Student Assembly, the representative student governmental body of Wesleyan University. Cheney won a seat on the WSA with fourteen write-in votes. In a twelve-minute speech delivered in the Rose Garden of the White House, Cheney said, “I have heard the clarion call of a small New England liberal-arts school, and that call cannot be denied.”
A source close to Cheney, who asked to remain unnamed, said, “We didn’t run a campaign for the WSA seat. Nor is Wesleyan much of a Republican stronghold. In fact, as far as we can tell, Cheney wasn’t even in the race.”
Damien Rothko, chairman of the Political Education and Elucidation Network (PEEN), said, “As best we can tell, Cheney’s non-existent WSA campaign was greatly bolstered by ill-intentioned students entering his name as a write-in candidate. Apparently, enough voters had the same idea that Cheney won a WSA seat.” Rothko added that if the votes had not been anonymous, he would have personally found the responsible students and given them “an unrepentant spanking.”
Several liberal interest groups are alleging election fraud. “The right-wing conspiracy that has a stranglehold on the WSA Voting Committee counted in favor of the Vice President a number of votes that were not clearly meant to indicate him,” said Miranda Reitts, director of Families Against Greed Harbored Among Governments (FAGHAG). Reitts pointed to such write-ins as “Heart-Attack McGee,” “Cock Shameless,” and “The Dark Lord Satan” as among the votes which were improperly counted towards Cheney’s total.
Conservatives are dismissive of the allegations of vote fraud, however. Marshall Lawe of the Basic American Law and Legality Support and Aid Concern (BALLSAC) said that “lefties like Reitts are out to unfairly disenfranchise the sports-scholarship voting block, who, despite their mental handicaps, clearly made an attempt to support our Vice-President in his noble bid for WSA membership.” Lawe then slapped the members of the voting block on the rear end and loudly commended them for their “good hustle.”
When reached for comment, Vice-President Cheney died of heart failure.
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