[Ed. Note: Last week, Gelman wrote facetiously about N.W.A. Some kid who lists Dave Matthews as both an interest and a favorite band on Facebook wrote a Wespeak to complain about inaccuracies. Here Gelman retorts, while still sticking to this week’s theme. That’s why we pay him the big bucks.]
Do you want to know something? Something off of the hee-zay? October is Suburban Whites are Grossly Ignorant Regarding Hip-Hop Culture Awareness Month! Finally, for those who don’t know the difference between Dunkaroos and a bu-donk-a-donk, Spike Jonze and Mike Jones, and what your mother charges for a handjob and 50 Cent, this month is for you. So let’s get it crunkilated y’all (by “crunkilated,” I mean jam as many hip-hop colloquialisms/generalizations as I can into the following article).
First of all, it is essential that one realize the complexities, intricacies, and discrepancies of hip-hop’s geography, as well as its chronology, and also understands that hip-hop is not merely a musical trend of a class or a race, but a passionate culture that has been the heartbeat of a predominance of this country for over thirty years. Do you understand that? Great! Now go drink seven 40’s, smoke a few blunts, and forget all that culturally and factually accurate information!
It’s October motherfucker, and that means you ain’t supposed to know shit! Assume! Generalize! Generali-izzle-ize! Do 50 Cent and The Game still have beef? How long will it be until Kriss Kross once again makes me jump, jump? When is Sisqo dropping his fresh new joint? Damn, son, this ain’t the Inquisition, it’s fucking October! And that means I ain’t gotta know shit. Which, consequently, means that in fact I do have to know shit, but “shit” being the vernacular equivalent of “nothing,” means I, concordantly, have to know nothing. RIDONKULOUS!
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