We have good news for many of our fellow students. We are happy to bring to your attention that if your birth certificate claims that you were born sometime in July, then you were probably conceived sometime in October. This means that your life started some twenty or so years ago to the month. In an effort to bring awareness to the fact that life begins at conception – not at birth – we are declaring the day of your conception Lifeday, and wishing you a happy one.
For instance, M. Grinell III, a sophomore and well-respected member of our club, was born on July 14th, 1986. His parents had sex in the master bedroom of their weekend home in the Hamptons on the evening of October 4th of the previous year. Happy Lifeday, Mark!
Sarah Jacobs of the class of ’07 celebrates her birthday on June 16th, 1985. Unfortunately, we cannot wish Sarah a happy Lifeday because we’re not sure when it is, exactly. You see, she is a bastard child. Her mother does not know for sure whether Sarah’s Lifeday is on October 11th (with Steve the neighbor on his kitchen countertop) or on October 15th (with Dave, some guy she picked up at the disco).
Because birthday celebrations will most likely be obsolete in the future, don’t be a whore. Marry someone before you have a child, so that you know when and with whom your child was conceived, and he can celebrate his Lifeday with his friends and with confidence.
So ask your parents when they had sex with each other to create you, and celebrate your Lifeday with a bang. Just go ahead and celebrate with all your friends from school, and then, if you want, go down to the abortion clinic and let everyone know how much fun it is to celebrate life!
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