Just last weekend I slipped into my best pair of sweatpants and got in my Volkswagen Bug (I kept telling Margery these cars are for fruits and if she bought one I’d beat her until her skin was a fine vermilion, but the stupid hag is always taking her Ambien at all times of day and doing idiotic things).
Anyway, I get in my car and make the jaunt to Wesleyan, driving a judicious ten miles under the speed limit and throwing soft drinks at those god damn punks in their convertibles. I swear if I see another balding dumbshit squandering all his money in order to get some tail I’m going to kick his testicles so hard they’ll get stuck halfway up his colon. Damn cocksmugglers.
So I arrive at my alma mater and I have to immediately suck on my inhaler in order to avoid vomiting all over these two hideous hippie-types choking on each other’s tongues. I didn’t think a place could go to such hell in fifty years. Here I was, trying to enjoy a stroll around campus and instead being bombarded by debauched sex freaks having wet, writhing orgies in the middle of the damn walkways. Let me tell you something, in the fifties we had some respect for women. We’d wait until six o clock before making a move and then it was only heavy petting with the occasional smack to keep them from talking about make-up or hair or ovaries.
Also, what’s this whole gay thing I’m hearing about? Back when I attended we didn’t have such a thing as homos. Everyone was a good Christian and knew that those who committed the abomination would have their genitals cut off and fed to dingoes, to put the fear of the lord in them of course. Then we’d euthanize the dingoes.
People kept shouting at me to stop telling them they’re horrible sinners, which is ridiculous. It was as if the whole place was populated by people like that limp-wristed sally Harold Gibbons, who I’m told is suing me just because I throw rocks at his house during my morning walk since his daughter works at an abortion clinic or had an abortion or cooks fetal soup or something. Margery tells me I should apologize, but I think I’ll carve up a skunk and drop it down their chimney instead. My point is that this university has become a filthy, atrocious shelter for wussy-boys and pinko, dirty haired, liberal dweebs. It makes me retch just thinking of all the bizarre foreign objects men and women are habitually putting in one another because that’s what Charlie Spitts next door told me the kids are up to nowadays.
All the officials at this place are apparently too busy doling out rimjobs to all the theater “majors” to run a quality school so I’ve conjured up a little screening exam to help get this shithole on the right track. Otherwise I’m cancelling my $50 donation to that campus center:
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