Information the administration is hiding from you, in convenient list form.

Actual reasons we dropped from 9th to 12th in the U.S. News and World Report rankings

— Student body “too ironic”
— CompSci major consists only of courses in Snood and Freecell
— Excessive amounts of laxatives in the food
— Binary was fucked enough, John Leo not fucked often enough.
— MoCon not yet a fully operational spaceship
— That guy who wears tapered women’s jeans
— Our rugby team can beat up our hockey team
— Reduction in number of certified Dungeon Masters in Alpha Delt

Items Found in the Fauver Freshman Dorm
by Andrew “My room came with a plasma TV” Bean

— Chester, the wisecracking, ethnically ambiguous doorman
— Indoor plumbing
— PBR on tap
— Cockfighting and Russian roulette in the basement
— Salad bar, in lieu of real bar
— The Doomsday device
— List of talking points for every student detailing why Fauver is superior to every other dorm on campus, too secret even for this publication
— Many, many people from Massachusetts

Senior Privileges

— Freshmen