Ampersand staff members Ted Feldman and Jess Lane recently crashed the “Wealth and Social Change” workshop. They walked away with bellies full of really expensive cookies and notebooks filled with the shocking truth. They recovered these documents: a flyer, and the meeting minutes.
1:00 p.m. First meeting of the Six Figures Plus Society, Wesleyan Chapter, called to order. Everyone exchanges secret handshake, lights cigars with $100 bills.
1:05 p.m. Icebreakers! “Two Truths and a Lie,” as supervised by our attorneys.
1:15 p.m. First order of business: How to assuage guilt and shame, presented by Morton Phillips III.
Buy nice clothing. Wearing pastel is scientifically comparable to taking valium. Lacoste collars can be “popped,” shielding your ears from the horrible sounds of the poverty-stricken neighborhood that you visit to purchase recreational drugs.
Buy political power. You can use it to repay those who gave you money in the first place: your parents. What better way to say “Happy 60th, Dad!” than to ensure that his nuclear power company is hired for that big job over other companies that don’t give babies cancer.
And remember, if you ever need to vent about your financial problems, counseling is available. It’s free to those who are burdened by their position in the top tax bracket.
2:00 p.m. Meeting interrupted by young female pauper seated in the back of the room. She interjected, “Is there porridge? I am so very hungry.” Morton placed a quarter in her cup and sent her on her way.
2:05 p.m. Second order of business: How do we use our money to help the “less-than”?
Stanford Pennybags motions that he is donating the dinosaurs he had cloned to the orphanage on Williams Street, (you know, the building where all of those children play). The orphans would be delighted to ride them all day long.
Mrs. Anne Butterworth has already set the wheels in motion for a charity event in which a man dressed up as a giant slice of pizza playing the electric guitar would be sent to Louisiana to cheer up Hurricane Katrina victims.
In an effort to feed the starving vegans of WestCo, Peabody Worthington Esq. has donated the meat of the white Bengal tigers he killed while on safari in the Congo of Africa.
Newcomer Sally Richards suggested donating money to AIDS research, but the motion was denied since most Society money has already been allotted to lobbying for an “Affluent Dining Hall” in the new campus center. A compromise was reached by a unanimous agreement to hand out complimentary condoms with every order of Belgian Frites.
2:45 p.m. Third Order of Business: The Eternal Power Struggle
Martha Christianson has been unable to raise enough money to buy back the media from the Jews. Barter possibilities: First born sons. Nose Jobs. More options to be discussed at next meeting.
3:00 p.m. Cocktail hour, followed by horseback riding tutorial
4:30 p.m. Meeting adjourned early in favor of automotive polo on Andrus Field: Audis vs. BMWs.
Leave a Reply