Or as I like to call it, “The Brat Pack’s Summer Vacation.” It’s a no-holds-barred week of drunken orgies and irrational crushes— a lot like orientation week, only without the pervading sense of awkwardness. This is the time we’ve spent four years waiting for. Here are some tips for how to get the most out of the BEST WEEK EVER!
1. Do not be yourself. Chances are, people who are interested in you but have yet to express their feelings don’t really know you. What they like is an idea of you, which is probably incongruent with your actual personality. Don’t fret. Play along with them, allowing them to call you by a name other than your own— they’re not mistaking you for someone else, they’ve just made up a pet name.
2. Be drunk. No one wants to hang out with someone at a rocking tent party who is trying to have a philosophical conversation about life, or discuss post-grad plans. Look around the party, and see who the coolest person is— the girl dancing in a mini skirt, screaming “This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!” People will flock, and most likely, a clapping circle will form around you. Congratu-fuckin-lations!
3. Lower your standards. So what if he’s shifty eyed and she’s got a bad case of mono? This is your last chance! If you don’t want to go to bed alone, you’ll have to sacrifice certain physical or personal attributes. No
one’s judging (except for me, and I never use names).
4. Treat the tent like your mom’s basement on a school night. The only way to have fun is to make fun. No one likes a fatty.
5. Go gay. If you’re feeling down on your luck, perhaps a visit to a rugby drinkup or a tomb party is just the spice your life needs. When you leave, no one will believe you if you decide to turn gay. I mean, can you imagine working in an office, and after 6 months, shaving your head and
hitting on colleagues of the same sex? People will think you’ve just been diagnosed with cancer. And no one likes a sickie.
6. Be safe. Chances are, you’re not going to have health insurance for a while— the last thing you need is a nasty yeast infection or a case of the Herp. If this happens, I suggest a hot match and a bottle of Scotch: kid-tested, doctor-in-a-van-approved.
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