I will admit that for the most part, graduation makes me sad. I am probably going to do jobs for money, which I have never done before, and I will also probably have to start talking like a grown-up and having good posture and stuff. All these things are sad. But one thing is un-sad. Let me tell you. After graduation, all the lesbians are going to change back. And it is going to be awesome.
Maybe you are confused. I understand. I’ve been there. Sexuality isn’t a choice, it’s biological. Right? People don’t just “change back,” and besides, it’s not like being straight is “normal.” Right? Unfortunately, all these things are wrong. At midnight after graduation, all the lesbians are going to be regulars again.
It will be magnificent. Imagine it fellows! All the ladies who rebuffed us over the years because they were “gay” and because we were “harassing them” are suddenly going to totally want it. It is going to be like a refugee camp, except instead of foreign nationals pining for freedom it is going to be straight chicks pining for boy love!
Yes there is a catch. Double-changed-back straight girls are known for their extremely high standards, unlike normal straight girls who are known primarily for their extreme sluttiness. When the girls change back, they are going to have certain expectations of you. For instance, you are going to have to buy flowers, and not curse. Also, put on something clean! Underpants counts.
Anyway, never fear. If you’ve never gotten laid at Wesleyan, you’ve still got your chance. And what a chance it will be! It will be quite a chance, is what I am saying. Penis! Bye Ampersand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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