THE TRUE STORY OF PASSOVER
by Kate “Shiksa Appeal” Brown
(with special guest Jess Lane)
So one time, the Jews were being oppressed in Egypt, much like your Jewish hall/housemates are oppressed today. Then Moses, who hadn’t even had to build pyramids because he got pulled out of the Amazon by Pharaoh when he was a baby, decided to use his white guilt and privilege to be a hero. So Moses called in a favor from God, and dude brought 6 plagues on the Egyptians, which the Jews were somehow protected from. I’m not quite sure how that worked out, logistically. They went like this:
Locusts
Hail that explodes into flames when it hits the ground
Frogs (God thought we’d be too confused to notice when he reused this idea for the end of Magnolia. Yeah right.)
Rivers run blood
The Darkness (plagues us to this day)
Main event: First-born sons!!!
Then Moses goes to have dinner with Jesus and tells everyone to put lamb’s blood on their door frames and eat hard-boiled eggs and get real crunk. This is what seders are all about. I guess Moses gets the word out by making all Jews r.s.v.p. to“Passover” via facebook parties or whatever Old Testament equivalent of that would be.
Finally the Jews leave Egypt, but they can’t bring real bread because there is no refrigeration in the desert and it would get moldy, obviously. So they packed giant crackers instead. Suddenly, it looks like they are going to get caught again, but Moses parts the Red Sea! On the other side of that is the place they were trying to get and it didn’t take very long at all to get there, which is why we celebrate.
Moral of the story: All of the boys we like have to go home for the weekend. It says so in the Bible!!!
LESSER-KNOWN PASSOVER RULES FOR OBSERVANT JEWS
by Nat “Shabbos Goy” Webb
– Must use secret Passover handshake
– May use pepper but not salt, to better grasp suffering of forefathers
– May not participate in Open Mic nights
– Must eat eleven breads
– May claim any foreign land in name of Israel
– Must use Edward Van Halen for all guest guitar solos
– May not use contraception— no wait, that’s all Catholics, always
– Must say “Did anyone drop this?” in a medium voice before pocketing sidewalk candy
– Must take consciousness-expanding peyote trip
– Must promise “Next year, peyote trip in Jerusalem!”
– Must use curly brackets instead of square ones
– May advance only one fabricated Zionist news story
– Must not get no satisfaction
– May not make fun of Mr. Dickman
– May not pretend to understand anti-humor on Argus comics page
– May not play “Revolution 9” backwards
– Must tell friends those jeans don’t make them look fat
– May get up to twenty percent off with coupon and membership card
– May not ask “What’s that horrible thing on your neck?” then quickly say, as if embarrassed, “Oh, it’s your head!
– Whitesnake rules
Leave a Reply