Jonathan Smith (a/k/a Lil Jon)
Massachusetts Institute of Technology ’95
“The Spatial Correlation between Transparent Glass and Room-Delineating Structures, the Gravitational Pull upon Liquid Perspiration down External Male Genitalia, and the Demoralizing Lateral Gesticulations of Female Dogs: Or, To da Window, to da Wall, ‘Till da Sweat Drip Down my Balls, and All Dese Bitches Crawl”
Stephen Hawking
University College, Oxford ’62
“Do the Robot: How I Banged Every Girl at Oxford”
William Hung
University of California at Berkeley ’04
“Hung like a Jackass: How I Used My Marketing Genius and Won the Hearts of the American Public by Pretending to be a Fresh-off-the-boat Asian with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome”
Bill Belichick
Wesleyan University ’75
“Social Awkwardness, a Complete Lack of Exuberance and Spirit Regarding Your Sports Team, and Hooded Sweatshirts: Interjecting Wesleyan Culture into the National Football League”
Woody Allen
New York University ’56
“A Study in Communications Regarding… oh God, why am I even bothering? Whatever I write will be endlessly ridiculed by that gorgeous Shiksa McGoya that sits in front of me. Her hand slightly brushed past my buttocks when I was at the water fountain the other day. I think that means she’d let me hump her in the bathroom.”
Osama Bin Laden
Terrorist Training Camp ’82
“Lather, Rinse, Pray, Repeat: An In-Depth, Hands-On Study on How to Give Your Hair Volume and Bounce, Even Under that Sweaty, Messy Cloth… and, oh yeah, DOWN WITH THE AMERICAN INFIDELS! ESPECIALLY THAT DAMN DONALD TRUMP AND HIS PERFECTLY COIFFED FOLLICLES!”
Leave a Reply