Shocking news tore through Wesleyan this past week, leaving a path of emotional scars and physical destruction in its wake, much like the path a confused and angered Trinity student would leave after finding himself trapped at the Puerto Rican Day Parade (Gelman 3, Trinity nothing).
Early Saturday morning, concerned loved ones and friends of music/fascism major Nat Webb ’06 made public the knowledge that he had, for, like, twenty minutes back in October, considered maybe voting for George W. Bush.
“I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore,” confessed an obviously distraught Jesse Young ’06, Webb’s (former) friend and confidant. “Harboring this terrible secret was eating me up inside, which especially sucked when I ate, because I would have no insides, they having been eaten by the harboring of this terrible secret.” He then stood idly for a few moments, twiddling his thumbs and darting his eyes back and forth, before tearing off his child’s small AC/DC tour shirt to reveal his chest emblazoned with “NAt = NAzi” in red paint. Young then hung and burned Webb in effigy.
Webb’s Facebook girlfriend, Judith Klausner ’07, tried to make sense of her Facebook boyfriend’s actions. “I remember Nat saying how he just really liked Bush’s morals, and how he truly believed that Bush was determined to rid the world of terrorism and poverty,” Klausner said. “Then he sprouted horns and burst into flames, cackling, ‘THE WORLD WILL BE OURS! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! I HABITUALLY WATCH STRANGE LOVE, STARRING BRIGETTE NEILSEN AND FLAVA FLAV! I FIND THEIR RACIAL DISCREPANCIES AND WITTY BANTER HILARIOUS!’ He was back to his senses quckly, but it was still a frightening enough experience to make me question our Facebook relationship.”
Webb was unable to be found for comment. He is assumed to be hiding in his room, planning the takeover of the United States government by the Fourth Reich.
Leave a Reply