OK, so you know how every time you see Naomi in a Gag Reflex show, you leave feeling like you support the war on Iraq all of a sudden? Or how every time she scans your card at Olin, you suspect she’s stealing 100 of your points and donating them to the RIAA? Do you ever get the sense that underneath all that lip gloss, she knows exactly who Deepthroat is and could kill you with one finger? That is because all of these things (and more!) are true. Here is what I am saying: Naomi Ekperigin is a spy.
She is a government plant, she is watching us, and we are at her mercy. She is everything that you, the skeptical liberal college student, have always feared— ironically trapped in the body of a woman of color and a writer. But her evil power won’t stay trapped for long. She must be stopped.
Remember when she got braces and we all thought it was so adorable? Yeah, well, her mouth is wired in more ways than one. She is bugged by the FBI, you gullible fuck. She has been recording everything you’ve said to her for two years. Karl Rove knows all about that time with that guy at Beta, and he heard that off-color joke you made about tsunami victims, and he knows you like “La La” unironically. I am begging you, do not tell Naomi anything ever again, because her orthodontia will broadcast it directly to the United States Senate via satellite and they’ll all laugh at your expense, and then kill your family because of the PATRIOT Act.
I bet you don’t even realize why you’re not allowed behind the front desk of Olin, do you? It is her evil campus control center. You have got to believe me on this. The things she has orchestrated from behind that desk would blow your mind. Not only did she get chalking banned on campus, but she fixed the 2000 election and framed Michael Jackson. She is currently reinstating the draft and getting “Arrested Development” cancelled. Also, she can see into every single dorm room using tiny spy televisions under that desk. She is watching you read this right now, and she is biding her time.
You have no idea the pain she could inflict on all of us if we do not eliminate her. I can’t tell you how I know this, but her senior thesis screenplay was co-authored by the CIA and the Freemasons. It is a hybrid between a Nazi propaganda film and a sequel to “Crossroads,” designed to lull us into confusion and apathy with its fascist rhetoric, teen hijinx and good soundtrack. We will be rendered useless just long enough for robots to sneak in undetected and systematically destroy us.
In conclusion, do you know what Naomi is going to do after we’re all dead (which, and I’m totally serious about this, we will be in just a few weeks)? She is going to become the new Pope. By the time anyone figures out what she’s up to, she will be safe in her bulletproof car. The time has come, Wesleyan, to unite and take action. She is just that powerful, and secretly Catholic.
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