That’s right, folks. The dude’s a lady! When I uncovered this little piece of info in the spring of ’89, I was paid a hefty sum to keep quiet, but I can’t hold it in any longer. Why? Because Alexandria is one of the worst human beings I have ever met.
It all started when ze was 5 years old, playing four-square on the playground with the other Awkwards. Without warning, Alex hit a nearby homeless man square in the face with a stapler. The heartless son/daughter of a bitch. When his teacher asked why he did it, he said, “’Cause I’m dead inside,” and went off to listen to Christina Aguilera’s demo tape.
At the age of twelve, as ze’s “mosquito bites” changed to budding breasts, Alex began to turn tricks on the streets of Summit, New Jersey. Not because he had to make ends meet, but because he wanted to mock those who had no choice. He would often go to the local prostitute meetings, hold up his three middle fingers and say “Read between the lines, bitches!” punning on the fact that his “co-workers” were illiterate. At the age of 15, Alexandria began watching Black Entertainment Television, and decided to appropriate black hip-hop culture. Taking on the rap name of “DJ Steven Soderbergh,” he attempted to “battle” local MCs. However, instead of using dope rhymes, he would call the police saying that “a large black guy beat me up!” landing all of his competitors in jail. Yes, folks, Alexandria Patricia Gelman hates black people. He only adopts their mannerisms and language in an attempt to infiltrate and eventually annihilate them.
After reviewing the BET tapes carefully, Alexandria decided to cultivate an enormous half-fro, the white man’s afro. Now, we all know the look is not stylish— but Alex is not about fashion. That half-fro is where ze keeps hir secrets. Be very careful not to pull it during a round of fisticuffs, because ze has been known to tuck razor blades just below the surface, providing his enemies with an unwelcome surprise. That’s right, he’s a liar and a cheat.
If that’s not enough to make your blood run cold, let me let you in on this, my friends: Alexandria Patricia Gelman is a Jew. I’d say more, but I cannot stop shaking violently. According to his Facebook Profile (or, as I like to call it, his “Website of Lies”), he considers himself to be a combination of Woody Allen and that guy from “The OC,” but all he has in common with either of them is a penchant for underage Asian women. Gelman, you are a sick fuck.
Leave a Reply