You may have seen her at Pi Café. You may have seen her sweating on the elliptical machine at the new gym. She may be cheating off your test in chem. Yes, Oprah Winfrey has gone back to school… and she chose Wesleyan… and she is this week’s Wesceleb.
MC: Hi Oprah
OW: Hello.
MC: How are you?
OW: I’m fine, thanks. A little jet-lagged. I just flew back from Sub-Saharan Africa where I was de-worming orphans.
MC: Really? It’s funny because your publicist just told me you flew back from L.A. where you were getting your eyebrows tweezed.
OW: Well I made a pit-stop.
MC: In Africa?
OW: Yes.
MC: Ok, cool. So tell me… What extra-curriculars are you involved in?
OW: Well, how much time do we have?
MC: Well I have a TA session in a half hour….
OW: Ok, here goes: I host the longest running hit talk show in television history, I have the most successful book club in the world, I manage, edit, and am featured on every cover of “O Magazine,” I’m funding an AIDS cure foundation, I run a weight-loss organization, I won an Oscar, I am a member of “Students for a free Palestine,” I own three homes, my eyebrows are always perfectly tweezed, and I am still in touch with my emotional side enough to cry in every episode.
MC: That’s impressive. What’s your major?
OW: I’m a quadruple major. Psychology, Af-Am Studies, English, and Printmaking.
MC: What are you interests?
OW: I enjoy saving the lives of hundreds of wormed orphans, curing cancer, sending my favorite books immediately to the top of the bestseller list, serving food at homeless shelters, visiting children’s hospitals, hanging out on Foss Hill with my girlz, being on the cover of my own magazine and, finally, my most favorite thing to do in the world is to just sit back and revel in my own modesty.
MC: Wow. It must be great to be Oprah.
OW: Yes. Especially when I am at my thinnest.
MC: Which is?
OW: Right now. (stands up and does a twirl). I just lost my winter weight through an intensive 6-hour per day Pilates program. But enough about me. How about yourself? What’s new in your life?
MC: Oh. Uh… I’m the interviewer. We usually don’t talk about me.
OW: Oh I’m sorrrrry. I’m just so used to being very selfless. I never talk about myself. That’s why I’m such a good talk show host.
MC: True. It must be hard being the most powerful woman in the world. How do you walk through the campus center without mobs of people attacking you?
OW: Sometimes I just don’t put on makeup and people have a hard time recognizing me. Also, my WesID says “Harpo Yerfniw” (my name backwards) so that the workers at WEShop don’t know it’s me when they scan my card.
MC: I heard a rumor that you were denied from Harvard. Is that true?
OW: Honey, I don’t know who told you that. The reason I didn’t choose to go to Harvard is that Natalie Portman chick thought she ran the whole goddamn school.
MC: I knew it. Damn you, US Weekly.
OW: Never believe magazines like that. They’re all meaningless tabloids out to make a buck. I mean, one of them said I was gaining all my weight back. Can you believe that?
MC: That’s harsh. I’m sorry but I couldn’t help but notice you said the phrase “I mean…” Have you always said that?
OW: Actually, I’ve just picked that up. Since I got to Wesleyan, I’ve found myself starting every sentence with the words: “I mean, I feel like…” , and referring to every situation as “awkward.”
MC: It happens. Any last words for the wise, Op’?
OW: No. Just that my senior thesis is going to be The Book of the Month for Oprah’s Book Club in April 2008. Available at Broad Street Books in hardback.
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