Twelve Wesleyan athletes were arrested yesterday and charged with illegal possession, use and sale of steroids that were apparently purchased by athletes who studied abroad for a semester. The athletes were from the baseball, track, women’s lacrosse, and non-male rugby teams. All twelve will be suspended for one full season and appear in court in late April. The names of the twelve accused athletes are not being released because youth from Middletown may look up to them and also begin to use steroids.
“The Wesleyan community is shocked by this,” said athletic director John Biddiscombe. “But almost everyone agrees that we should blame it on Governor Schwarzenegger since he used steroids and he’s a prominent Republican.”
Some, however believe that steroid use in Middletown has very little to do with an actor-turned-politician in California.
“I talked with [the accused members of the baseball team],” said prominent psychology Professor Scott Plous. “It seems like they chose to do steroids because Jose Canseco did them. The man is an accomplished novelist who hit over 400 home runs on the major league level. It makes sense too, because who wouldn’t want to be like Jose Canseco?”
The answer is simple: Everyone wants to be just like Jose Canseco. Besides, steroids taste like chocolate and they make you really strong.
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