Following recent revolutionary events in Kyrgyzstan and symbolic actions from Terri Schiavo supporters in Florida, World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz officially announced Wednesday that the world is “pulling a Wesleyan.”
“It seems the citizens of the world were so impressed by the efforts of those godless, sinful college students that they have emulated their activist tactics,” Wolfowitz said. “Don’t worry, Bushie, I’ll take care of it.”
The trend started several weeks ago when armed protesters in Kyrgyzstan stormed the Presidential compound, trapping President Askar Akayev in his office until he was forced to flee the country.
In December 2004 Wesleyan activists used similar tactics to trap President Doug Bennet in his office for over four hours. Armed only with white guilt and loads of laundry left dirty by the unsatisfactory wash cycles, the students were not as successful as the Kyrgyzstan protesters. Despite the two community forums that followed and the outpost of students still living in the coat closet of South College, Bennet remains safely in the United States.
Though activists were impressed by the victory in Kyrgyzstan, some expressed bitterness at their lack of similar success.
“Just because we believe in a culture of peace and refuse to use arms against our leader doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to succeed,” said Justin Costa ’06. “Seriously, though, we’re sending a note of congratulations to the Kyrgyzstan people right now. [Editor’s note: The revolution in Kyrgyzstan has caused a complete breakdown of municipal functions, including mail service.]
”Man, what a great revolution that was,“ Costa continued.
Wesleyan fever continued to spread last week, when supporters of the late Terri Schiavo began wearing red duct tape over their mouths with the word ”Life“ on them. Wesleyan students popularized the trend in December, using the duct tape to symbolize the fact that the administration was silencing their voices.
”We saw the images of those Wellesley—Wesley? Whaley? Whatever—students on television, and thought it was inspired,“ Schiavo supporter Annie Blakely of Gaffney, South Carolina mumbled through duct tape. ”Of course, we know that what those students stand for—being against the death penalty, supporting gay marriage—are things that God and Terri would hate, but we admire their tactics. Sort of. Don’t tell Jesus.“
”That was so my idea!“ said Anna Moench ’06, one of four students who continues to live in South College and has worn duct tape over her mouth every day since December. ”When I saw those photos, I seriously wanted to vomit, but I learned that the hard way. And really, covering your mouth when the woman you’re supporting can’t even use her mouth? How illogical is that?“
When informed that, by taping their mouths shut, the activists essentially silenced themselves, Moench replaced the tape on her mouth and began chanting what sounded like ”2, 4, 6, 8, Terri Schiavo wouldn’t want duct tape!“
When informed that Schiavo died on Thursday, Moench turned red and mumbled an apology.
On Thursday afternoon a number of students convened at the bottom floor of the Campus Center to discuss their next move, and possibly what the next country to ”pull a Wesleyan“ will be. In an attempt to one-up their imitators, the students taped red duct tape over their mouths with the word ”dialogue“ written on them, armed themselves with Molotov cocktails and proceeded to South College, where some shouted incoherently at the empty building, others staged a die-in, and one student mistook the Molotov for vodka. A gigantic mixed metaphor, and one trip to the Middlesex Memorial Hospital, resulted.
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