The Argus has taken a break from its “serious journalism” and put out this “joke issue” and I have to write a column for it. Fuck. That means I can’t write about Wolfowitz and the World Bank, or the attack on Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena, or the new lawsuit against Halliburton, or about how the media today is really one big “joke issue,” or about starving babies or puppies caught in bear traps or angels getting sucked into jet engines.
The truth of the matter is that I’d rather be set on fire than hear you laugh. You know those whistles that drive dogs nuts and that only they can hear? That’s what your laughter is like to me. Instead, I’d rather listen to the plink of your tears landing on the keyboard as you take another shot of Dubra while watching the live video feed of pandas from the San Diego Zoo and apologizing to a ten year old picture of yourself for being the personification of misery that you are today. (1)
Oh boy, look at these zany and wacky headlines! The new Dean of the College is…Ricky Martin!?! That’s CRAZY; what a send-up! Ooh, the guest lecturer at Russell House is…Terri Schiavo’s Feeding Tube?! That’s edgy/offensive! That’s topical/hip! Aww, you guys…. Do these headlines make you CRACK UP so hard that your organic soy chai veggie latte crap comes out of your nose? Did it make you drown? Damn.
Today is probably a beautiful, sunny day. Do you like these kinds of days? If you do, you should tell everyone about it in awkward conversation. Say, “enjoyin’ the nice weather, huh” or “looks like Spring is here!” Go ahead; show off those meteorological and conversational skills! Look, if you get to point out obvious things to me such as the weather then I should get to point out obvious things to you like “most people wish you were dead.”
It’s so nice out, I bet you want to go for a walk while holding your “joke issue” and listening to some bland, generic, jam-band white boy “it’s all good, man” shit on your iPod Shuffle. And I bet you’re walking in the middle of the goddamn street, oblivious to traffic because all you can hear is your rockgroovejazzfunkbluespussy music. It is simple: You cannot disengage one of your senses that is essential in not pissing other people off. If you want to stop smelling, stop speaking, or stop feeling, that is fine by me, but once you stop hearing, you are infringing on my right to call you an “asshole” and have it register. One shouldn’t walk around in traffic with headphones for the same reason that one shouldn’t walk around with giant goggles that play DVDs like some kind of personal Imax – or “Eye-Max” if you’re some marketing d-bag.
After reading things like that off-the-wall Public Safety Report spoof (“P.S. responded to noise complaint; confiscated ‘fun.’” – take THAT, The Man!), you are in the mood to see a piece of shit movie, aren’t you, something starring Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock or some insufferable twat. Hey, here’s a great idea: during the movie, take out your cell phone, open it up, release a blinding ray of light like in the end scene of “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” distract everyone from the movie, and have everyone hate you just a little more than they previously did. Are you new? Because if you are, I just want to say, “Welcome,” here’s a lesson in not being a dick: keep your damn cell phone in your pocket. You’re not on call, Dr. Jerk-Off; you are not urgently needed – or even slightly wanted. The only reason I can think of that someone would call your cell phone is to increase your chances of getting a tumor.
Look at all these jokes, printed just for you! You must feel so special. Laughety-laugh-laugh, laugh all the way to the bank. Better yet, laugh all the way to the food bank, because there are millions of people who are too hungry to laugh, you selfish prick. You want to be amused all the time? Then go to some stupid clown college, jerk (2).
Laughter is the best medicine. Unfortunately, you are a plague against which medicine is useless. So, read the “joke issue,” get all cheery, enjoy the madcap, screwball gags (“Kim Jong Il Bans Chalking” haha!!!11) and have a lovely April Fools’ Day. I’ve already begun by getting ten copies of this “joke issue.” They’ll make good kindling for that fire.
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