For the second consecutive year, Wesleyan has the highest percentage of students hell-bound soon after graduation, according to the 2005 Sinners and Saints study by Liberty University.
“We feel this firmly establishes Wesleyan’s reputation as sinful-U,” said University spokesman Justin Harmon.
Wesleyan narrowly beat out other godless schools like Vassar, Sarah Lawrence, and Hampshire for the top spot.
“The recent die-ins showing such disrespect for a culture of life really put Wesleyan on top,” said study author Jerry Falwell.
The study detailed a laundry list of heaven-disqualifying activities and organizations including, the queer prom, queer awareness day, queer café, queer kiss-ins, and queers, not to mention the Wesleyan Democrats, vegans, and the Cunt Club. The study also found high levels of sexual inappropriateness in and out of the classroom.
“Some students will literally go from a women’s study class talking about orgasms to a lesbian porn lecture and then finish the day practicing what they learned,” Falwell said. “It may be hot, but so is hell.”
The study found alarmingly high numbers of hell-bound students clustered in WestCo, Eclectic, and the Muslim Student Association.
“I didn’t realize my frequent nudity, sex, and drug use—often at the same time—would lead to such an honor,” said High Froshie ’08, a WestCo resident. “Now excuse me, I need to go worship a golden calf.”
To conduct the study, representatives of Liberty University came to campus for a month of observation. No corner of campus was left overlooked.
“I thought it was a little weird for some Christian dude in a suit to be at Porn and Milkshakes,” said Moses David ’06. “Now it all makes sense.”
The lack of religious spaces on campus was also pointed out in the study.
“The last time someone mentioned God in the Memorial Chapel was when the audience let out a collective ‘God, I wish she would shut up’ in reference to the clapping girl at the Patti Smith concert,” said Frank Dogooder, another author of the study.
While conducting the study, researchers say they witnessed 3000 lascivious sex acts, 4500 substance-abuse incidents, and 200 abortions.
The study broke down the population into subsections of sinners including queers, atheists, Jews, queer atheist Jews and the administration.
Those 20% of students not automatically destined to an eternity with the devil include Freeman scholars, those bookish prude girls, and Doug Bennet because he’s got mad connections.
The study comes on the heels of other recent religious honors such as best Imam-your mom joke for 2005, and most liberal campus media from the Media Research Council.
“Now that our intolerance for religion is finally being publicized, perhaps we can finally shed the Diversity U moniker,” said President Doug Bennet.
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