A great many people, famous and unknown, die every day. But some die worse deaths than others. Passing away in your sleep, surrounded by loved ones and golden statues of yourself that urinate wine? Good death. But that’s not funny or interesting. What’s funny and interesting are some horrible water creatures which the Ampersand has investigatively reported, and which will definitely kill you soon. But which one will get to you first? Here’s the low-down. (Editors’ Note: All the facts reported below are true.)
KAMCHATKA CRAB
a/k/a: Red King Crab
Hails from: Communist Russia
Now found in: Scandinavia
Natural predators: None
Superpowers: Enormous size, strength
Why?: Stalin brought them to the USSR and let them breed unchecked as a food source for the people. Now they’re out of control, and they’re marching south.
If only: They were kittens.
SNAKEHEAD FISH
a/k/a: Holy fuck, that fucking fish is walking!
Hails from: Red China
Now found in: America
Natural predators: None
Superpowers: It can fucking walking on land! We are fucking doomed! Soon they will be using tools!
Why?: Chinese restaurants in the States imported them as an exotic treat, then some dumbass dumped one in a lake.
If only: They had little top hats, and they would tip their top hats to you as they strutted about, and say to you, “Top o’ the mornin’, guvna! Shine your shoes?” instead of eating everything in a lake then fucking getting up and fucking walking to another lake. Fuck.
The winner: both. In the end, we, the human race, are the losers. These monstrous motherfuckers aren’t even on the same continent. While the snakehead fish struts about here in America, sexing our women and smoking our cigars, the kamchatka crab is hogging all of Finland’s best power metal and wrestling our largest Scandinavian bear-friends to a standstill. If you live in America, a blood-crazed walking fish will knock on your door some day soon, kill you, then make love to your wife and replace you as father-figure to your son. If you live in Europe, a crab the size of Andre the Giant is going to lift your house off its foundations and devour your family while singing Wagner arias. The Ampersand is calling upon the international community to band together and make friends now, because we are so totally fucked. Look for the Amper’s 2008 presidential candidate, running on a “The Sea-Lords Are Our Masters!” platform.
Of course, in a few thousand years these two beasts will clash at last. But by this point, we poor humans will be living in Stone-Age enclaves, huddling around fires made from piles of Shakespeare and Joyce, which we can no longer read. Not that we would want to, because we’ll be incapable of relating to any literature which deals with a world not split in half between two fascist states run by cruel aquatic overlords.
Let the suicide begin!
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