A number of features of the new Fauver Dorms, intended to open in the fall of 2005, have earned the ire of Wesleyan students. Students can’t wait to complain about the still-unfinished buildings, citing small bedroom size and five-to-one student-to-bathroom ratio. What other features are they unhappy about?
• Bedrooms shared with just-paroled convicts
• Segregated drinking fountains
• No bidets in bathrooms
• Hot girls next door constantly having sweet parties, never invite you
• Wall-mounted speakers blast Stravinsky’s “Rite of Spring” ceaselessly
• Uniformed doorman rabbit-punches students as they enter
• Rooms really fucking tiny
• Dead hookers in all mattresses
• Jeff Ederer outside in his car with a long-lens camera
• Maureen Isleib personally rates your hook-ups on “Hot or Not” scale
• Resident advisors replaced by German discipline robots
• All food made in kitchenettes tastes somehow… ashen
• Due to inconveniently-placed dimensional rift, even farther from campus than In-Town
• Reslife told by psychic that construction can never end or ghosts will get them
• Posters of joint-smoking Bob Marley banned
• Wi-Fi reception a little spotty
• Students for Kucinich meetings held in lounge
• All your friends live there except you
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