In recent years a popular refrain has reverberated through the discotheques, dancehalls and other sordid venues of sin: “I like the penis…but not that thing attached to it.” If you take the contrapositive of that statement, you get what the Academy Awards are all about! One can still, at that decisive moment, get the “O face” even if the coveted, gilded guy is appendaged like a Ken doll. Oscarrrrrr! Yayyyy!
The fun is in prognosticating whose “O face” we will see this year. I hope none of my picks influence the outcomes of Oscar pools around campus. I would advise not to take them as gospel because I have seen only a paltry percentage of the nominated films. To blame is the film major, which has me searching the ballot in vain for Orson Welles and Robert Altman along with the Purest Auteur and Most Striking Use of the Long Take categories (Joel Schumacher for his consistent putridity and “National Treasure,” respectively). A further caveat: I am also pretty dumb.
Oscar Ballot (these are the actual nominees but the categories are arbitrarily chosen and impressionistically arranged):
BEST DOCUMENTARY, SHORT SUBJECT
“Autism is a World,” “The Children of Leningradsky,” “Hardwood,” “Mighty Times: The Children’s March,” “Sister Rose’s Passion”
Will Win: “Hardwood. Should Win: ”Hardwood.“ Write-in: ”Hardwood“ <snicker>.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Alan Alda (”The Aviator“), Thomas Haden Church (”Sideways“), Jamie Foxx (”Collateral“), Morgan Freeman (”Million Dollar Baby“),Clive Owen (”Closer“)
Alda does some of the best hearty gesticulating of his career, but Church, in his best post-”Wings“ vehicle since ”Ned and Stacey,“ is a revelation. The revelation is that he really is not, as previously suspected, the Susan Lucci of life.
Will Win: Freeman/Alda. Should Win: Church. Write-in: ”Grizzled Zombie“ from Shaun of the Dead.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
”The Aviator,“ ”House of Flying Daggers,“ ”The Passion of The Christ,“ ”The Phantom of the Opera,“ ”A Very Long Engagement“
”Daggers“ was stunningly lush and various other hyperbolic descriptors. Only, however, in the ”Passion“ has Jesus been so lovingly photographed, especially the exquisite detail on his extended middle finger.
Will Win: ”The Aviator.“ Should Win: ”House of Flying Daggers.“ Write-in: More like Passion of the Sucks and Was Boring!
BEST COSTUME DESIGN
”The Aviator,“ ”Finding Neverland,“ ”Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events,“ ”Ray,“ ”Troy“
Joel Schumacher used to be a costume designer and ”Phantom of the Opera“ wasn’t nominated even though it’s a costume drama. Ha! Tool!
Will Win: ”Neverland.“ Should Win: Nudity. Write-in: Where you at RuPaul? I hearted you in ”Wong Foo.“
BEST ACTRESS
Annette Bening (”Being Julia“), Catalina Sandino Moreno (”Maria Full of Grace“), Imelda Staunton (”Vera Drake“), Hilary Swank (”Million Dollar Baby“), Kate Winslet (”Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind“)
Since the beginning, this category has not been about who can emote the most but, rather, the poonani (sic). Moreno’s dignified, layered performance as a drug mule, coupled with her nut-crushing fineness will be tough to beat.
Will Win: Swank. Should Win: Moreno Write-in: BOOOOOOOBS!!!!
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
”Born Into Brothels,“ ”The Story of the Weeping Camel,“ ”Super Size Me,“ ”Tupac: Resurrection,“ ”Twist of Faith“
The blind albino ”Camel“ humps pretty well; its tears are a proven lubricant, but so are Mongolian docudramas i.e. sleep lubricants! If Tupac wins, he will accept the statue via séance.
Will Win: ”Super Size Me.“ Should Win: The children. Write-in: WEST COAST!!!
BEST SOUND MIXING
”The Aviator,“ ”The Incredibles,“ ”The Polar Express,“ ”Ray,“ ”Spider Man 2.“
Will Win: One of these films. Write-in: When 2Pac did that hot sample of Phil Collins on ”In the Air Tonight.“ Shit was poignant. N—- played the heartsichord, son. (Ed. Note: Weren’t many write-ins).
BEST EDITING
”The Aviator,“ ”Collateral,“ ”Finding Neverland,“ ”Million Dollar Baby,“ ”Ray“
Will Win: ”Aviator.“ Should Win: ”Collateral“ (!) Write-in: Argus Arts section.
BEST FILM
”The Aviator,“ ”Finding Neverland,“ ”Million Dollar Baby,“
”Sideways,“ ”Ray“
I wasn’t able to see ”Ray,“ but I think that’s kind of the point. ”Sideways“ is a glorified sitcom in the vein of ”Sports Night.“ Logan Starr, film major to the stars, informs me that ”Neverland“ is a ”burlap sack full of horseshit.“ ”The Aviator“ is inaccurate and uninspired. By default, ”Million Dollar Baby“- a functional, old-school tale of redemption and loss- is the belle of the ball. Shave the overwrought third act by half, and the other nominees would have been a moot point.
Will Win: ”Million Dollar Baby.“ Should Win: ”Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,“ you Academy heathens! Write-in: ”De-Lovely,“ more like De-NOT-Lovely! Euthanize Ashley Judd!
BEST MAKEUP
”Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events,“ ”The Passion of The Christ,“ ”The Sea Inside.“
Though I haven’t seen ”Passion,“ it is my understanding that the Jews finally make up for killing Christ.
Pool Tiebreaker: How many tsunami references, oblique or otherwise, will be made during the broadcast?
The 77th Annual Academy Awards, Feb. 27 at 8 p.m. Film House (344 Washington St.) will show the Oscars with their projector (Oscar after-party in P. Diddy’s Diet Pepsi truck).
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