In a press conference Thursday, Tufts University president Lawrence S. Bacow announced that he, along with a distinguished board of students and alumni, had decided to change the nickname of the prestigious Massachusetts learning institution from the Jumbos, supposedly having originated from the school’s association with circus showman Phineas T. Barnum, to the Tinies.
Said President Bacow, “I simply feel that the name ‘Tiny’ more accurately represents certain diminutive regions of our school’s student body.” After several moments of awkward silence, twiddling his thumbs, and darting his eyes from side to side, Bacow added, “I didn’t mean that as a double entendre. Assholes. This has nothing to do with the average erect penis size of a Tufts athlete being 2.4 inches. Shit. I should really think about what I say before I blurt it out at a press conference.” Bacow stood at the podium moping for a few seconds before screaming, “I have sex with sheep!” Bacow then revealed one of those memory-wiper thingies from Men in Black, but, to his disappointment, it was just something he had gotten in a McDonald’s Happy Meal.
The majority of students, athletes and non-athletes alike, seemed elated by the administration’s decision. Adam Berger ’06, a long-distance runner for Tinies track, was visibly overjoyed. “No longer do I have to live a lie by placing various fruits and vegetables down my shorts before races. The unrealistic expectations this administration has been placing on athletes for years has finally been lifted!” exclaimed Berger as he removed sock after sock after sock after sock from his skimpy runner’s shorts. Thomas Low ’08– who is not an athlete, but once practiced going to second base on a girl by groping a volleyball– echoed Berger’s sentiments. “I’m changing my AIM screename from ‘HanginLow11’ to ‘3InchHonestly.’ And I’m not ashamed… until night, when I often cry myself to sleep. Cold. And alone. But go Tinies!”
Before the press conference degenerated into disorder, Bacow also addressed the growing concern on campus of the increasing prevalence of some type of alien species on campus, commonly referred to by students as “colored folks.” In regards to student demands for an explanation of this seemingly undiscovered species of dark-skinned men and women wandering the campus, attending class, and living in dorms, Bacow was quick to respond. “We are trying something this semester known as… um… die-vur-suh-tee. And after seeing Anchorman, I now know that bifurcity is not an old sailing ship.”
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