Love Dentist

Happy V-day! Or, as I like to think of it, Happy VD (which is what you’ll probably get if go on a hook-up rampage this weekend in a desperate attempt to fill the void in your heart). I know things can get rough this time of year, with special V-day episodes of The O.C. and love songs blasting from every iPod. What do you do when your latest crush turns out to be gay (or straight), or your BF just left you for a senior in high school? Don’t fret—make an appointment with the love dentist, get your fill of love advice, and walk away with a smile.

Dear Love Dentist,

I have a friend who I have a crush on and really want to do, but I’m having trouble sending the message. I kissed him on the mouth last night, but I think it wasn’t clear that I wanted to hook up. It was more of a hello kiss. Please help!

Sincerely,
Kissing Fool

Dear Kissing Fool,

This is quite a toughie. Never in all my days have I given what you call a “hello kiss” on the mouth and had the message not go through. First of all, check if he’s hipster. He may not be following the same social rules that have gotten you ass in the past. If he is, you’ll have to develop a derisive look and a profound sense of boredom in most social situations. When speaking, use as few syllables as possible and reserve excitement for humorous effect. You should have ass in no time! If he isn’t, find a way to brush by his crotch or fall into his lap. If you don’t feel any Mexican jumpin’ beans (if you know what I mean), chances are he’s gay as the day is long. Or a eunuch. Either way, start grazing in a greener pasture, my friend.

Colgate,
Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,

I have several beautiful eye-contact/shy-smile relationships on campus. They brighten my day more than a legit relationship ever could. But I am about to declare a major; I am becoming a man in the eyes of academia. I have decided it is time to settle down. How do I approach these girls and turn our fake relationships into real-world relationships? Y’know, ones with contact (verbal, etc.)?

At a loss,
Longing Stare

Dear Longing Stare,

First of all, let me say that you are right; sophomore year is the right time for romance. Now firmly established in a social circle, honing in on your extracurricular interests, and relatively certain about your desire for sexual experimentation, it’s time to let a very special someone into your heart.

Now that you have established eye contact and tender smiles, take it up a notch. Say, “Hi.” Or try the timeless, “What’s up?” If your silent crushes respond, you’re ready to add a bit more paprika to the pot. If you spot them alone, and relatively stationary (i.e. not on their way somewhere or paralyzed from the waist down), strike up a conversation. What to talk about, you ask? Try the weather, Britney Spears’ greatest gits album, or last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. But be prepared: you may find out that your silent crushes are dumb as bricks, or have really high, annoying voices. The sooner you weed out the… weeds, the faster you can grow the roses. With an upbeat attitude and a flair for drapes, you’ll be able to find love in no time!

Word to your molars,
Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,

I gave this guy a blow job in a bathroom and I don’t think he’s gonna call and I’m ok with that. Am I a whore?“

My bad,
BJ in a B-room.

Dear BJB,

It’s not my job to judge. If you wanna give someone’s P a mouth hug in a poop-ery, be my guest (but if you’re a guest in my house, none of that funny business, mister/sister!). However, with habits like these, I do want to talk about oral hygiene. Make sure you’re flossing, brushing, and gargling with an antiseptic wash every night, and as soon as possible after these ”personal chats.“ The last thing we want is a nasty case of halitosis cropping up! May I suggest all products by Oral B?

Call my office for some samples,
Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,

I have a crush on this chick, but she’s got a steady in her bed-y. She’s great, but this guy is a total toolbox (he still listens to Duran Duran), and I know we should be together. How can I separate this love affair and find a place in her heart (and pants)?

Sincerely,
Home-wrecker and Redecorator

Dear Wrecker,

I don’t normally advocate splitting up people in love, but I have some personal problems with Duran’s ”Hungry Like the Wolf“ video, so I’ll help you out. Study your couple closely. What things does this guy do that the Lady can’t stand? Do the opposite of these things, being attentive, sweet, nice, and patient at all times. NEVER BAD MOUTH THE GUY! You’ll just look petty, and that’s never pretty. Invite her to activities you know she’ll love but the guy would never go to in a million years (Gyno exam, perhaps?). Accidentally spill drinks on this ‘boyfriend’ at parties, forcing him to leave for a period of time. While he’s dabbing his khakis with a wet towel, you can dance with her, introduce her to people like you’re a couple, and ditch the guy at Psi U. Good luck, and always remember to use a fluoride rinse!

From the bottom of my bicuspids,
Love Dentist