Remember back in the nineties when we had to stand in lines to see movies? That was awful. I hated the nineties. But not any more, because now we have Fandango, which, in case you’ve been living in a time hole warp, lets you buy your movie tickets on the internet. And that’s why I love Fandango.
Or should I say, I loved Fandango. “It’s so easy!” they say – yeah, easy to get hooked, that is. And then you find out about the fine print. Here’s what Fandango doesn’t tell you in their commercials:
– Fandango changed its name from “Fandangoldstein.” Do you see what I’m getting at here? Fandango is controlled by the Jews. This means that Christians will be discriminated against.
– Every time you buy a ticket on Fandango, Bastian from The NeverEnding Story II loses a memory. You remember that movie? Well, the kid from it is REAL, and his memory is somehow connected to Fandango, which is fucked up but true.
– Fandango headquarters was built on top of a Native American burial ground. Besides the obvious bad luck curses and poltergeist stuff, this means that the Fandango executives are racist.
– Just like Domino’s Pizza, Fandango gives a large portion of its profits to abortion clinic bombers.* However, unlike Domino’s, Fandango does not make a tasty pizza!
– Every third time you use Fandango to buy movie tickets, you have to suck a dick!
– Remember the old adage that said “every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?” That was actually made up by the bell industry and is totally fake. But here’s something true: Every time you use Fandango to buy movie tickets online, an angel gets slapped on the you-know-where.
Those are the facts. It’s sad but true. Fandango is a bad thing, and you shouldn’t use it. Maybe what you’ve read here makes you angry; maybe you want to take action. In that case, I suggest you become an activist, because those people are always taking action against shit.
Leave a Reply