Microsoft CEO and ultra-billionaire Bill Gates announced today that he has purchased Friendster, the Facebook, MySpace, and every other online social-networking website. Within the next month, Gates said, he plans to combine all the websites he has bought up into one site: theGatester.com.
Gates described the premise of theGatester.com: “Members of theGatester.com will have only one option, which is to be my friend. Members will not be able to be friends with one another, nor will they be able to form groups from which they can then exclude me.”
Gates went on to describe his impetus for creating theGatester.com. “In high school, I always wanted to be cool,” said Gates at a press conference today. “Even during my brief stint at Harvard, I was considered an uncool nerdlinger. With the advent of theGatester.com, however, I am guaranteed to be the most popular bro on the interweb, especially because all members of the sites I’ve bought will automatically become my friends. Furthermore, it is my hope that ‘The Gatester’ will catch on as a jovial, back-slapping nickname by which my new inter-friends will refer to me.”
At a caviar-and-Cristal party held after the press conference, the Gatester informed the Ampersand that he was not above bribing people to becone what he described as “real-time human friend-bos.” The Gatester then shook hands with the Ampersand, awkwardly trying to slip us a hundred-dollar bill, which fell to the ground soaked in flop-sweat.
The Gatester is our dog for real time. Thanks for the diamond-studded horse, bro.
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