In writing this column, I always try to remember to talk up the Wednesday night film. It’s tough to stir up interest because the Friday edition of the paper is far in advance of the Wednesday film (and there’s no Arts section on Tuesdays, you know). So I realized that last week, in my first column of the New Year, no doubt, I neglected to mention the Wednesday movie. I wanted to start the year off right, but I already screwed up. I was supposed to tell you about this movie and I didn’t. But the thing is that the movie I had to talk up was “Garden State.” And either you want to see “Garden State” or you don’t. I saw it when it came out and…I guess because I didn’t want to see it again, I assumed that nobody else did. So, my humblest apologies to anyone who really wanted to read what I would have written about “Garden State.” I think it would have gone something like this:
Natalie Portman: Sweet Natalie, I’m supposed to be attracted to you, but I am not. You are annoying. I was not titillated by your striptease in “Closer.”
Zach Braff: You want to be Wes Anderson. But not as much as the guy who made “Napolean Dynomite.”
Ian Holm: What are you doing in this movie?
Garden State: You could have been better/worse.
The thing, though, is I doubt that my opinion (or description for that matter) of a movie we’re showing is going to convince you one way or another. Let’s be honest. Here are the possible inner monologues that you might have when looking at any given film on the poster:
1. I’ve seen that and want to see it again.
2. I’ve seen that and don’t want to see that again.
3. I’ve heard of that and I want to see it.
4. I’ve heard of that and I don’t want to see it.
5. I’ve never heard of that and I want to see it.
6. I’ve never heard of that and I never want to see it.
7. What is the film series?
8. What is art?
9. Why aren’t they showing “Boondock Saints?”
10. Why can’t I get laid?
Am I, Max Goldblatt, going to influence any of these? Would my article change a 6 to a 3? Or transform an 8 to a 5? Look, I’d even be happy with a 9 to a 10. I would.
The point is this: make up your own mind and be impulsive and go see some crazy stuff.
BE A NUMBER 5!!!!!!!!!!! Or a 3.
This weekend in the CFA Cinema, Friday and Saturday, 7:30 and 10pm, $4:
Zhang Yimou’s “Hero” is too good for words. It is as if Kurosawa’s “Rashomon,” were filmed as a Technicolor Musical. It’s like seeing “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,” while doing copious amounts of speed. The color in this movie is extraordinary. The Director of Photography is Christopher Doyle, the visionary behind the gorgeous films of Wong Kar Wai, and the result is the most orgasmic fight scenes ever. It starts an East-Asian who’s who of stars: Jet Li, Zhang Ziyi, Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung. And, the sound design is killer. Seeing this film on the big screen is truly an experience. Must see!
Next Wednesday in the Cinema at 8pm:
Guy Maddin’s “The Saddest Music in the World.” The setting: Winnipeg, Canada, 1933, the depths of the Great Depression! The contest: find the saddest music in the world! The prize: $25,000! The judge: Lady Port-Huntley, the double-amputee beer baroness of Canada! If you’re sad and like beer, she’s your woman! The entrants: Representing America: Chester Kent, the baroness’s former lover, and his nymphomaniac ladyfriend Narcissa! Representing Serbia: Chester’s estranged brother Roderick, Narcissa’s ex-husband! Representing Canada, their father, obsessed with the baroness (his gift to her: prosthetic glass legs filled with beer)! Who will take home the coveted prize? Find out in Maddin’s (“Dracula: Pages From A Virgin’s Diary”) newest comic masterwork!
And for free this weekend in the Science Center: A Billy Wilder double feature!
Friday: “Stalag 17” William Holden in a prisoner of war camp.
Saturday: “The Apartment” Jack Lemmon, Shirley MacLaine and Fred MacMurray in Wilder’s best comedy/drama/romance/film.
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