So you’re back from spending 4-6 months with “the other” in some random country— well, whoop-de-frickin-do! I was here in M-town freezing my ass off waiting for The RIDE at the transfer point. No, seriously, I missed you a lot, and I’m sorry I never responded to any of the mass e-mails you sent about that cool tree you saw while hiking in the mountains, or the realization that being an American is a privilege and a burden… I just got really busy. But now that you’re back, I can’t wait for us to hang out and stuff. Here are some suggestions to make your return less jarring, and more enjoyable, for all of us.
1. PACK LIGHT. Chances are, you got screwed without a condom by Reslife, and now you’re carrying the burden of crappy housing (and an illegitimate baby that looks like a cross between Jeff Ederer and a couple of your mom’s recessive traits). If this is the case, all the posters, furniture, and broken dreams you planned to bring to school aren’t going to fit anywhere. I suggest you bring a carry-on bag filled with underwear and flannel, and a backpack filled with candy. If you got stuck in a lo-rise, just tie a kerchief to a stick and fill it with an apple and some raisins.
2. GET YOUR LOG-ON. You do not exist unless you have a wry yet honest Facebook profile that sums up your likes, dislikes, and whether or not you are gay/single (this can be updated daily, based on your whimsy). The Facebook (www.thefacebook.com) is the new handshake, first date, and substitute for awkward social interaction. If people don’t know what they’ll get before they talk to you, how do you ever expect to make new friends?
3. SLUT IT UP. Really, do it. What better way to get back into the Wesleyan scene than to make out with random people and feel awkward for days/weeks afterwards? In the days following the incident, you can find out the sexual and social history of your make-out buddy, bringing you up to speed on the latest phase of the Wesleyan social network.
4. JAZZ IT. I know you missed Wesleyan, and there are tons of people you didn’t see, but chances are most people didn’t notice you were gone. To jog their memory, get a new haircut, gain twenty pounds, or change your first name to something ethnic. Obvious changes make you seem very dynamic and remind others that it’s been a while since you’ve been around.
5. BEWARE T.L.I. It stands for “Too Little Information,” folks. When someone comes up to you and asks you how your semester was, try to say more than “it was great!” It’s vague, and sounds like you were making up the whole “study abroad” thing in the first place. Don’t give a speech; a short statement that touches on high- and low-lights and supports your points is sufficient.*
There you have it— all you need to get acclimated to Wesleyan! Within days you will be feeling awkward, liberal-yet-guilty, and adrift in a sea of uncertainty. The self-esteem and strength you found while plunging yourself into a new and challenging situation will dissipate, and you will be just like the rest of us. You’re welcome.
(That last tip came from the MLA Handbook for Writers).
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