In a shocking announcement from the Freeman Athletic Center Monday, the Wesleyan University athletic department revealed to the media that the University would be joining the Atlantic Coast Conference, effective next fall. The move comes as a shock to many of those familiar with Cardinal sports, as the ACC is a Division I conference and one of the strongest NCAA conferences in both basketball and football.
“We were offered the spot and we just couldn’t say no,” Athletic Director John Biddiscombe said. “When the Prom King asks you to dance, well, you just can’t say no. Joining the ACC will improve our national notability. Aren’t you tired of being asked what’s its like at an all-girls college outside of Boston?”“
The ACC extended the offer only after a proposed deal with Boston College fell through. Originally, BC had been slated to join the ACC next fall, but ACC spokesmen cited the Eagles’ loss to Syracuse two weeks ago and the fact that ”them Boston boys wouldn’t let us smoke our fine hand-rolled Carolina tobackie cigars in their offices, darn tootin’ sumbitches“ as a reason the original offer was rescinded. After a great deal of searching, the ACC found its match in Wesleyan.
”We were looking for a school that, well, we just needed any school,“ an unnamed ACC Athletic Director said.
School policies have been altered, the first of which requires the mandatory use of steroids for all football players. Sacrifices will inevitably be made as well.
”With the move to such a prestigious conference, changes will have to be made in the Wesleyan Athletic program,“ Biddiscombe said. ”First off, every sport other than football and men’s basketball will have to be cut. I’m sorry, but in order to compete with the big boys, we need all the funding we can get, and those other unnecessary sports are the first to go. I mean, really, has anyone out there even been to a hockey or baseball game, not counting the hippies getting stoned on Foss Hill? And don’t get me started on soccer. This isn’t Europe. We use our hands for our sports.“
Predictably, there was quite the outrage from Wesleyan student athletes whose sports had been cut. However, a simple smear campaign, blaming the cuts on meat-eaters and George W. Bush distracted students long enough for plans to be finalized.
In addition to the sports teams that were cut, the athletic department also announced plans for a new football stadium.
”We are also beginning construction on a state of the art, retractable roof football stadium, immediately, located where Olin Library currently stands,“ Biddiscombe reported. ”The stadium will seat 100,000, but only have ten single stall bathrooms to ensure fans spend more time cheering and less time relieving themselves.“
In order to pay for the construction of the stadium, funding for the math, science and sociology departments had to be eliminated.
”How many of you out there have ever gotten really drunk, painted yourself red and cheered at a math final?“ Biddiscombe asked the audience. When one drunken, red student looking for the math building stood up, Biddiscombe pretended not to notice, checked his watch, and twiddled his thumbs. Eventually the student passed out in a nearby bathroom. Public Safety did not respond as they took care of a staff member who reported the theft of a pen from her desk.
Though it does not have a name, corporate sponsors are lining up for the naming rights to Wesleyan’s new stadium. The school has thus far received offers from Kathy Lee Clothing, Wal-Mart, Starbucks, Martha Stewart, Enron, and ARAMARK.
Construction on the stadium of the future begins tomorrow, and it is likely that most of the books inside Olin will be destroyed.
”It’s for the good of the program,“ a Wesleyan football booster said. ”Besides, the kind of players we need on our team to compete in the ACC, well, let’s just say they won’t be spending a lot of time in a library, even if we had one.“
In order to improve Wesleyan competitiveness with the other ACC schools, the athletic office announced they would be forming their own admissions office, to which athletes can apply directly, for fear their applications might get lost in the shuffle on Wyllys Avenue.
”By forming our own admissions office, we’ll have the chance to proof-read, I mean edit, I mean let talented linebackers in without reading the applications,“ Biddiscombe said. ”Our standards will be just as high as regular admissions to Wesleyan though.“
When told regular standards to Wesleyan include literacy, a high school diploma and letters of recommendation not written by AAU coaches, Biddiscombe shrugged his shoulders and began reading the crayon-written applications on his desk.
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