After several Cardinal teams suffered disappointing losses at the hands of the Williams Ephs this fall, Wesleyan has finally beaten Williams. Members from the cross-country, football, field hockey, and soccer teams traveled up to Williamstown, Mass. this past Saturday for a showdown that resulted in many Ephs being admitted to a local hospital.
“We were all sick and tired of Williams beating us, so we wanted to show them what it felt like to get beat,” said Wes Fuhrman ’05, a member of the cross-country team. “A bunch of us took some sticks that we found lying around, and we sought out some of the Williams athletes and began beating the crap out of them. Ed Kenney [’07] actually uprooted a tree and hit Neal Holtschulte over the head with it, and Mad Dog [Mike Brady ’07] repeatedly poured beer down their pants.”
Just about every member of the cross-country team got into the action, even those who strongly believe that violence is not the answer.
“I’m a pacifist. At first, I just went with [the rest of the team] to make sure things didn’t get out of hand,” said Matt Franco ’07. “But things did get out of hand, and instead of trying to calm everyone down, I started uncontrollably punching a bunch of the Williams guys. I just couldn’t help myself.”
Football players also joined in the riot, tackling various Ephs on cement surfaces and tying them to the goalposts and flagpoles in their underwear.
“Like we have done all season, we missed a few tackles, and a few of our players had to go to the hospital, but the tackles we made were really rewarding,” said Sam Fletcher ’04. “I’d say we broke more of their bones on Saturday than we have in all the games over the last 100 years, and that really means something to us.”
The men’s soccer team found their own unique weapons with which to beat Williams players.
“We found some rubber dildos, which make pretty decent weapons, but we used them almost exclusively to poke their eyes,” said Evan Berding ’05. “Once we found the shed with the baseball bats, we were able to beat them harder and more efficiently.”
Wesleyan beating Williams wasn’t an exclusively male event, as the field hockey team, and the women’s cross-country and soccer teams used several methods to beat the female Ephs. Most of simply got into fistfights, though many were wearing brass knuckles, but a few people showed great creativity.
“Not many people know this, but Eph is actually a nickname for the founder of their college, which is a pretty lame team name, but their mascot is a purple cow,” said Courtney Quirin ’05, a member of the women’s cross-country team. “So we injected the local cows with some laxatives that made them turn purple and become really hyper. Then we set them loose on the Williams campus, allowing them to severely damage many of the athletes, a professor, three lampposts, and a pedestrian.”
The drugged purple cows also set fire to a track house and defecated all over the place, causing thousands of dollars worth of damage and sending 12 people to the hospital.
“The drugs didn’t harm the cows though,” said a field hockey player who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “They all died, but they were all going to die anyway. And besides, after they died, we sold them to McDonald’s, so it’s like they live on in people who eat fast food.”
A few members of the Wesleyan community who were not fall athletes participated in Saturday’s festivities. Notably, the Wesleyan Christian Fellowship overturned tables in several buildings on the Williams campus, abiding by the “What would Jesus do?” maxim, and citing the fact that a purple cow is as bad as a golden calf.
The final score, which was tallied by the number of people on the opposite side that were admitted to the hospital on Saturday, was 103-12 in favor of Wesleyan, but the Williamstown chief of police feels the Cardinal victory “broke many laws” and was a “disgraceful display of unsportsmanlike conduct.” He has contacted President Douglas Bennet, who released the following statement yesterday:
“The Wesleyan community [indecipherable], so I have decided to allow all of our teams here to become affiliated with Nike. If anyone can come up with a better idea in five minutes, I will reconsider this action.”
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