MONDAY, NOV. 29
Larceny- Church St.
A faculty member reported the theft of a pencil. Public safety determined he was an idiot and punched him in the head.
Suspicious Smell- In Town
Two Public Safety Officers reported to a response of a suspicious smell and smoke coming from a student’s room. Both Officers returned to the Public Safety Office two hours later, giggling hysterically and eating Dunkin Donuts.
Suspicious Person – High St.
A student reported a suspicious man slurring his speech. Public Safety determined that it was Doug Bennet.
Larceny- Pine St.
A student reported the theft of his girlfriend.
TUESDAY, NOV. 30
Larceny – Lawn Ave.
A student reported the theft of a dildo from his butt crack.
Loud Noise – Fountain Ave.
A student reported a loud noise. Public safety determined that it was your mom having an orgasm.
Suspicious Person– Lawn Ave.
Public Safety responded to a report of a dangerous person. It was determined to be the Douglas Cannon.
Medical Assist – Huber Ave.
Public safety responded to the report of a student who severely injured his penis while masturbating.
Larceny – Washington St.
A student reported the theft of his identity.
Suspicious Person – Foss Hill
A student reported someone in his dorm room. Public safety determined that it was himself.
WEDNESDAY, DEC. 1
Vandalism- Church St.
Public Safety observed damage to your face.
Suspicious Substance- Court St.
Public Safety responded to a report of a white powdery substance in the bathroom of Well-Being House.
Medical Assist – Foss Hill
Public safety assisted a student who passed out when she learned that her best friend was a Republican.
Vandalism- HiRise
Public Safety responded to the report of urination in an elevator.
Suspicious Smell- Foss Hill
Public Safety responded to a report of a suspicious smell emanating from Mocon. It was determined to be the food.
THURSDAY, DEC. 2
Loud Noise- Vine St.
Public Safety responded to a report of a loud noise. It was determined to be the apocalypse.
Suspicious Substance- LoRise
Public Safety responded to a report of a suspicious substance on a LoRise floor. It was determined to be water.
Larceny- Foss Hill
A student reported the theft of his virginity. Public Safety helped him find it again.
Larceny- William St.
A student reported the theft of her civil rights. They were determined to have been stolen by George W. Bush.
Indecency- College Row
Public Safety and the Middletown Police Department responded to a report of two students having sex on the roof of Judd.
Suspicious Persons- CFA
Public Safety responded to several reports of Oompa-Loompa’s in the CFA tunnels.
Larceny- College Row
A staff member reported the theft of three hundred million dollars from the University endowment.
FRIDAY, DEC. 3
Larceny- Lawn Ave.
A student reported the theft of her brain cells. They were determined to have been stolen by the Ampersand.
Suspicious Circumstances- WestCo
Public Safety responded to a report of students not smoking pot.
Suspicious Circumstances- Eclectic
Public Safety responded to a report of students not snorting cocaine.
Loud Noise- High St.
Public Safety responded to a report of a loud noise coming from the Public Safety Office. It was determined to by Maryann Wiggin throwing a rockin’ party.
Trespass- College Row
Public Safety responded to a report of a passed out man in an administrator’s office. The man was determined to be Doug Bennet.
Indecency- Foss Hill
A student reported seeing Howard Dean urinating on the observatory.
SATURDAY, DEC. 4
Suspicious Activities-Brainard Ave.
A student reported a peculiar light emanating from his bathroom. It was determined to be Aurora Borealis.
Suspicious Substance- Church St.
A student reported a strange white substance in her thesis carrel. It was determined to be semen.
Larceny- High St.
A student reported the theft of his lucky charms.
Alcohol Violation- Lawn Ave.
Public Safety responded to a report of two drunk underage girls. They were determined to be George W. Bush’s daughters.
Suspicious Person- Church St.
Public Safety responded to a report of a crazy person dressed in a horse costume. It was determined to be Rocinante.
SUNDAY, DEC. 5
Medical Assist- Westco
A freshman was transported by ambulance to the emergency room for a fatal erection. The student had taken Viagra experimentally.
Larceny- Foss Hill
A student reported the theft of her vibrator. I stole it and I’m not giving it back.
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