On Friday the administration announced plans to turn the would-be Fauver Field dorms into a pit of despair. The long anticipated change in plans comes with little shock to those who have followed the administration’s gradual takeover by Satan.
“Columbia and Cornell have had pits of despair for a while now, but once we heard that Brown’s getting one I thought ‘Hot-damn, we’ve gotta get some of that!’” said Justin Harmon, Director of University Communications. “I think it’ll make campus look more modern.”
When asked about this decision Doug Bennet began rubbing his hands together and foaming at the mouth.
Blueprints show that the pit will be able to “house” approximately 400 hippies, hipsters, cause-heads, protestors, petitioners, deadbeats and students deemed physically unattractive.
“I’ve been at this school longer than any of you, and I think this decision supports the progressive ideals of liberal education. These undesirables aren’t just going to sweep themselves under the carpet, we need concerted action,” said Bob “Behemoth” the Cat.
According to the architect of the pit, a German-sounding man named Woland, the pit combines modern technology and environmentally-friendly energy use with ancient Greek ideals of torture. Different torture methods will be inflicted depending on what affront the student is guilty.
Hippies will be forced to listen to Phish guitar solos on repeat for the remainder of their four years. Hipsters will have to dance in an all-beach boys dance party, and whenever their dancing becomes unoriginal or unpretentious they will be prodded with red-hot irons. Cause-heads will be forced to listen to their own bitching, over, and over, and over again.
Upon the completion of their four years, tortured students will spend a thousand years in limbo, wandering through an infinite desert with no water or shade. Finally they will be sucked into a black hole, and will be crushed into one-dimensional points to float through space for all eternity.
While the Fauver Field dorms weren’t scheduled for completion until next year, thanks to a sudden influx of demon workers the pit should be up and running by February 2005.
“We were a little nervous about beginning construction because misery was scarce on campus this year, and if there’s one thing you need to build a pit of despair, it’s misery,” Harmon said. “But then Kerry lost, and this whole NPR thing happened, so campus is rife with misery!”
But not everyone on campus is as excited about this change of plan, as are the administration and Cat, who has suspiciously been spotted lately walking on two legs and drinking vodka martinis.
Mike Butterfield has been at the forefront of the anti-pit of despair campaign. He has so far organized several secret meetings to decide on a route for radical action, which led to anti-pit chalkings in the Fauver Field vicinity, and an anti-pit banner in front of the campus center.
Over the weekend the WSA passed an official resolution that defines their position on the pit of despair. The resolution also clarifies what it means to pass a resolution, what the word resolution means, and why their resolutions always have so many typos.
In effect, the WSA’s position is that, while they are officially not in favor of building the pit, once the pit is in place they will cooperate with the administration by searching out undesirables, and not taking any more polls.
“I think that the pit will add a great new dimension to the Wesleyan community,” said President Bennet. “I’m really looking forward to seeing all the tortured young minds rotting in hell right on this campus!”
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