Friends, foes, flora, fauna… the electronic inkwell is almost dry, if you dig. I’m running out of things to say about film. In fact, yes. I’m out. I’ve said it all. I’ve told you countless times that seeing a movie with a full theater is more exciting than seeing it on a television. And I’ve told you that you should try to see the movies that you’ve never heard of, because they could be amazing and you’d never know if you didn’t go. I’ve said that before. And I just said it again. I’ve become redundant and banal.
The truth is that film has ruined me. I am incapable of having conversations about anything other than film. If you say hello to me in the campus center, chances are I might be carrying on an internal formal analysis of an obscure Italian horror film. Chances are I didn’t even notice you standing there.
The options for how I should proceed now are clear. And I’ve made a decision that could affect a couple people, if anyone cares at all.
This is my resignation letter.
I will no longer see any movies.
Though I am a film major, I will close my eyes and wear earplugs in class while the rest of my peers poison their minds.
No more talking about film. Sorry, Robert.
I will yell at you if I know that you are willfully going to see a movie. If you are being forced into seeing a movie I’ll just glare at you. But it will be a glare that you will never forget.
I will make it my mission to find directors of movies that are critically lauded and give them the finger in public. If they ask why, I will say, “you are Satan’s manservant.”
I will watch a lot of television. Especially reality shows. But no movies on TV! If I accidentally change the channel and find that I’ve flipped to a movie, I will be forced to destroy the TV and purchase a new one. Due to financial reasons I can only do this twice, though.
And, I WILL STOP WRITING THIS COLUMN, OR SHOULD I SAY, VOMITING ON PAPER.
Movies don’t do it for me anymore. So why write about them? I could be doing much more exciting things. I could be acting on stage in an original musical. I could be experimenting with barbiturates. I could be sleeping regularly. I could be sleeping regularly with someone else. I could become an international entrepreneur. Or a gangsta.
But film is not for me.
I just wanted to thank everyone who likes film.
Thanks…for listening.
Will Goldblatt REALLY quit writing this column? Is he going through some sort of early mid-life crisis? Male menopause? Or has he just temporarily run out of things to say? Or is he in a play this weekend? And he has a headache? And woke up before his alarm to the sound of a ringing phone? Or does he still love movies? He wrote this italicized section.
This weekend in the CFA Cinema:
Takashi Miike is nuts. He’s crazy as all hell and “Gozu,” his newest ory of strangeness, is wreaking havoc on Wesleyan this weekend. Remember “Audition,” the Miike film featuring the dude in the burlap sack and the old “sawing off a foot with piano wire” trick? Well that movie is pretty tame in the context of most of Miike’s other work. No joke! He’s seriously messed up. “Visitor Q,” “Happiness of the Katakuris,” and “Ichi the Killer,” are all profoundly strange and disturbing in their own ways. The great thing about Miike, though, is that he doesn’t just go for cheap shocks or schlocky gore. He has a true command of the medium and the breadth of his body of work shows that he can effortlessly jump between making very different movies. And, check this out: “Audition” was made in 2000 and since then he has directed over 15 movies. The guy must do a lot of blow, I think. Anyway, if you liked “Audition,” then “Gozu,” may be up yer alley. Then again, it may not be. These movies are not for everyone. But for you nutso types out there, enjoy this rare Japanese treat.
“Gozu,” plays in the CFA Cinema at 7:30 and 10 p.m. Friday and Saturday. $4.
For free in the Science Center:
Before there was “The Color of Money,” there was “The Hustler.” And before Newman’s Own Pasta Sauce, there was young Paul Newman. He was super-charismatic and his performance is central to why this movie succeeds with flying colors. Newman plays a young pool shark trying to defeat a big-time pool champion. I saw a great 35mm print of this film last year and couldn’t help but marvel at the lighting and cinematography. Much of the film takes place at the pool table, and the film is always visually interesting.
“The Hustler,” plays for free in the Science Center at 7:30 and 10 p.m. on Friday.
If “Secret Things,” didn’t do it for you, maybe “Mädchen in Uniform” will. Maybe you want your raw sexuality a little more latent. A little more classical. Maybe you want your girl on girl action a little more 1930s. This movie is a true anomaly. 1931. You can cut the sexual tension with a steak-knife. All-girls school + sexual obsession = brilliance. Yes, brilliance.
“Mädchen in Uniform,” plays for free in the Science Center at 7:30 and 10 p.m. on Saturday.
In the Center for Film Studies:
“It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World” in 70mm! This is an exciting opportunity to see this madcap 60s adventure comedy on the big screen. The biggest screen! In 70mm, the big format that rules all others! In the state-of-the-art new screening facility that is the CFS. And who could forget that ensemble cast? Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar (my favorite), Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney, Phil Silvers, and Jonathan Winters.
In the CFS Screening Room at 7p.m. Friday and Saturday. $4.
Next Wednesday in the CFA Cinema:
Wes Anderson. “Rushmore,” “The Royal Tenenbaums,” “The Life Aquatic.” But first, there was… “Bottle Rocket!”
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