Ok, now that George Bush has carried the election home in his back pocket, you can pretty much make out the four horsemen of the apocalypse galloping across the horizon if you squint just right. But maybe in this time of mass liberal mourning, what we have to do is take a deep breath, a step backwards, and try to make some lemonade from these godforsaken lemons that have been handed us. Here are five reasons why the re-election of George Bush can’t be that bad.
1) The Democratic Party might finally grow a soul. Right now it’s lost five of the last seven elections – I mean, we’re turning into the Red Sox here. As everyone pretty much agrees, it’s time for the left to do some serious soul searching. Hopefully this doesn’t mean that they go all Republican on gay marriage, abortion and gun laws. The Democrats aren’t going to win any more votes trying to be everything to all kinds of people. The moral values which the Republicans supposedly represent now used to belong to Democrats, who once upon a time supported the abolition of segregation, and the dignity of hard, blue collar work. I, for one, am looking forward to where we go next.
2) Now Iraq is George’s mess to clean up. Let’s face it – how many policies could Kerry have implemented without a majority in Congress? For all his talk about bringing our allies back to the table, um, did anyone exactly hear France, Germany or Russia say they would eagerly jump into this disaster? Iraq is messier than a Clark dorm room after Friday night, and regardless of whoever’s president, the country’s not going to clean up any time soon. If Kerry was president and the suicide bombings and anti-Americanism and beheadings continued (as they undoubtedly will) the Republicans would complain, the Democrats would complain, we would complain about what a sucky leader he was. At least now, no one has to carry the burden of failure besides Bush. Kerry can go back to the Senate, which, with that deliberate, meandering style of his that we all love, he was born for.
3) Suddenly we feel a greater attachment to our Canadian neighbors. After all, it only takes about 25 months for a Canadian visa to be processed. Maybe a life in which marijuana is somewhat legalized, gay marriage is allowed, there’s national health care, you live longer, have more sex, talk about hockey and say ‘eh’ a lot is not so bad.
4) Bruce Springsteen might release a new album. That’d be pretty sweet. It’s only been a week since the election and he’s already posted a new track, a bluesy version of the Star Spangled Banner on his website. In fact, musicians might become even more angry and active than they already are. The past Bush election even saw a semi-political album released by Madonna, for crying out loud. If Madonna can release a cool protest album, then that means any artist can. Even Eminem hopped on the bandwagon with ‘Mosh’ (which depending on your point of view is now extremely relevant or extremely outdated). Here’s looking forward to a renaissance of anti-war feeling in popular culture.
5) In fact, here’s looking forward to a renaissance of anti-war feeling in general. People have been chalking that the ’60’s aren’t dead, and even though they kind of are, that doesn’t mean they can’t be electro-shocked back to life. People always talk about America as being the Promised Land, but maybe there isn’t a Promised Land anymore. Maybe there’s only a promised patch of grass in the parking lot. We have to do some serious thinking now about what it means to be American if we can’t understand the voting decision of 51 percent of the population. People also talk about this being a time of great healing for the wounds of America. Well, maybe it’s a time for the wounds of America to fester, infect, become gangrenous, fall off and finally rot. After that, who knows what will come next?
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