Sascha

Well, it’s been a good run. I’ve managed to slap my fair share of asses, and grab a great many crotches. But now it’s off to the real world, where such tomfoolery is called “sexual harassment” and is totally not cool. And by totally not cool, I mean I hope someone grabs my deal so I can sue for millions. Or at very least, someone will have grabbed my deal. It’s a win-win situation.

But other than dreaming of molestation, I hope to get into the film industry. Someday I hope to work with Cameron Diaz because, well, she’s hot. I know I have to pay my dues first though. I’m headed back home to work with my dad on a sitcom on VT public television. The details are a little fuzzy, but I know it has something to do with cows and syrup. I’m also hoping to take my film to a bunch of film festivals. I haven’t heard back from Sundance and Tribeca yet, but afilmic.com has offered to sponsor me in the Ed Wood festival. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.

I want to thank some of the Amper folk for an awesome year. Katie, you’re the only layout editor who could make Hitler look so good, and puppies so dead. Devra, your sexual frustration has inspired sexually frustrated people across campus. Not me of course. I get crazy ass. But you know what I mean. Johann, thanks for picking up the slack during my thesis and, you know, whenever I didn’t submit an article until past deadline. You’re the best editor since Sara Morrison, and that’s saying something. Finally, there’s my partner in crime, Jacob. There’s nobody I’d rather chat with in the Christian Singles Chatroom, despite being a fucking Jew. But let’s be honest. You’re not really that funny without me. Good luck next year when you don’t have me around to pick up the slack. I mean, I do improv …what do you do? Still, I guess you were good eye candy to keep around. Seriously. Sweet ass.